* Former "Girl Next Door" Holly Madison did not give birth. But she did tell fans that she planned to start the process by checking into the hospital Monday, that she and boyfriend Pasquale Rotella had enjoyed a last romantic dinner as a twosome at the Vegas Stratosphere and that she wouldn't be tweeting during the delivery.
Worst birthday ever
Justin Bieber proved last weekend just how out of touch he is with his bajillion fans when, on the occasion of the 19th anniversary of his gracing the world with his presence, he tweeted "Worst birthday."
Apparently, the Biebs was bummed because he and his 14-year-old friend Jaden (son of Will) Smith got the boot from a London nightclub.
Funny. Most teenagers who Tattle knows are perfectly well-behaved inside bottle-service lounges, after-hour discos and so forth.
But to J.B., this birthday experience was insufferable. (He obviously has yet to read Tattle's self-published Memoirs of an Overlooked Homecoming Courtisan, wherein a half-dozen much, much less endurable birthdays and, let's face it, Friday nights in general, are recounted.)
Still, Bieber fans breathed rainbow butterfly sighs of glee when word spread that their pint-size, saggy-leather-pantsed future husband fished his wish: a customized Bat motorcycle from dear ol' dad, Jeremy.
The bike bore Batman logos, replicas of Justin's body ink and the words "35 mil. followers," referring to his completely reasonable number of Twitter pals.
* In related news, it looks like true love always between Jaden Smith and Kylie Jenner, 15-year-old daughter of Kris and athlete Bruce, half-sis of the Kardashians. Paparazzi snapped the could-be-couple post-coffee at Caffe Nero. In Piccadilly Square. In London. Naturally.
Worst weekend ever
While our fair country's tiniest pop star groused over the U.K.'s crappy laws against children who just wanna get kinda drunk; while the heir to the Fresh Prince's throne sipped espresso with a reality-TV starlet-to-be; even while England's most beloved preggers princess, her squire, William, future Uncle Harry and Chas and Camilla attended a swank wedding in the Swiss Alps, Queen Elizabeth was in King Edward VII's Hospital with gurgling guts.
Gastroenteritis was the royal diagnosis.
You and I know it as the stomach bug.
Luckily, her royal highness was feeling jaunty and jolly enough to walk out of the hospital Monday on her own accord. Not to be shown up by her fashionably knocked-up granddaughter-in-law, the 86-year-old monarch wore a festive red coat and lip rouge to match.
Worst life ever
It's not enough to be the glum kids of deceased Michael Jackson. It's not enough to go through life with names like Prince, Paris (OK, maybe that one's not that bad), or (poor little guy) Blanket.
Now, the trio, age 10 to 16, are the only members of a talent agency owned and operated by nutty Aunt LaToya Jackson.
So far, auntie dearest has scored Prince gigs on "Entertainment Tonight" and the CW's soon-to-end "Beverly Hills 90210." Paris could be heading to (where else?) London to shoot a movie (good luck club-hopping there). And, the whole, happy, well-adjusted family seems headed to the righteous realm of reality TV, quite possibly on an Oprah-owned network near you.
Here's hoping Aunt LaToya doesn't also shop out her bro's brood to adult mags (she's appeared twice in Playboy) or a psychic hot line (another one of her business ventures) or make them wear flammable hair product while dancing near fireworks for a Pepsi commercial.
Today's lesson? Same as yesterday's. Stars: Not at all like us.
-Daily News wire services contributed to this report
Howard Gensler has the day off.
On Twitter: @LaMcCutch