Other shows are more lucrative. I earned $285,273.44 on one recent episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians. I find it fascinating that an entire family only managed 14 other unique words during the same one-hour episode. I used these funds as a down payment on my beach house. You are welcome to visit, but you have to take out the trash and you must never describe its ocean views as amazing.
I'm being just as strict with longtime users of my word. My attorney recently fired off a strongly worded letter to CBS. Accordingly, The Amazing Race will be rechristened: The Pretty Decent Race.
We also put the "Amazing Spiderman" on notice. With Incredible already reserved for the Hulk, and Super being the nom de guerre of Superman, the leftovers of superhero adjectives were rather mundane. He is currently weighing the merits of the "Fabulous Spiderman," the "Neat-O Spiderman," and "Good Ole Peter - Arachnid Dude."
My investment has not been without collateral damage. Cheng's Great Taste Chinese Food stopped delivering to my home once they discovered that I am the reason their "Amazing Shrimp" became too costly to advertise. They had to pull it from the menu.
With a portion of my "amazing" profits (i.e. the amount that keeps me in the good graces of the taxman), I intend to purchase the state of Wyoming, henceforth to be known as "Amazingland." It will serve as a retreat for wordsmiths, grammarians, tenderfeet, and other people apoplectic over the mistreatment of amazing and some of her fellows: totally, awesome, whatever, you know, like, and actually.
And, after analyzing other words for exploitative copyright windfalls, I am making a preemptive strike on ginormous before it gets too big for its own good. Should it prove as lucrative as amazing, I will buy my own television network and force all programming to incorporate ginormous in every sentence. It might force people to explore the vast sea of words that is the English language. Now that would be amazing.
Paul F. Bradley is a writer in Yardley. E-mail him at prehistoricspider@yahoo.com.
