Chick Wit: Law prepares for any eventuality

Posted: March 31, 2013

It's good to know that if you can't rely on the federal government, you can always rely on your state government.

I say this because I recently saw a news article that reported a certain state government had enacted a law that permitted its citizens to eat any roadkill they found, without fear of penalty.

Gee, thanks!

If Marie Antoinette said, "Let them eat cake," there's always a politician around to say, "Let them eat raccoon."

I hasten to point out that the state in question isn't my own, the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.

Such a silly law would never pass in Pennsylvania.

We don't need a law to tell us it's OK to eat roadkill.

We just dig right in.

Finders keepers, squirrels are weepers.

The Montana lawmakers who passed the bill thought it was a good idea because the roadkill would otherwise be "a waste."

Which is an excellent point.

Mother Mary always taught me that I had to clean my plate and also the shoulder of I-95.

Think about the starving people in China the next time you leave a flattened chipmunk in your rearview mirror.

Only a politician would find the merit in not wasting waste.

But be careful. If you eat too much waste, it goes to your waist.

One of the politicians also pointed out that the new law would allow citizens to eat roadkill themselves, or they could "legally call the food bank."

Good job!

I'm glad those politicians are preparing for any eventuality. This way, they covered people who'd already eaten their fill of roadkill.

You know the feeling.

When you just can't stuff another dead snake in your mouth.

It's like Thanksgiving.

In hell.

Leave room for dessert!

And don't hog the groundhog.

It takes a special kind of person to believe that the homeless and jobless should be fed by vermin that BMWs have plowed to smithereens.

And that person is a politician.

Don't you wish you were that smart, or kind?

That's why normal people don't run for office.

We're normal.

We don't like it when our meal comes embossed with zigzags.

And we don't loosen our belts for a steel-belted radial.

The funny thing is that opponents of the law allowing people to eat roadkill objected to its passage because they felt that roadkill might not be a "safe food source."

Now that would be a perfect example of the kind of fine point you have to be a politician to perceive.

Because politicians are always concerned about our safety and welfare, but when it comes to our dignity, we're on our own.

In other words, they're happy to have us crawling along the highway with a spatula, but they envision us sticking a meat thermometer in a possum.

Interestingly, it turns out that the food bank wrote the politicians a letter saying that they would not accept roadkill as food.

Oh, excuse me.

I guess somebody's picky.

Come to think of it, I have a problem with the term "food bank." To me, food should be plentiful and easily available to everyone, especially in a country as great as ours. The only thing that should contain food is a refrigerator.

Banks should contain things that are scarce and hard to get, like money.

Or men who date women over 50.

Now that would be the kind of bank that would get my account.

But it would be very small bank.

Very.

Small.

You may have heard the expression that the law is an ass, but I don't agree.

I think the lawmakers are asses.

When they see roadkill, they want us to bring our own fork.

But to them, I say, fork you.


Look for excerpts of Lisa Scottoline's newest novel, "Don't Go," in next Sunday's Inquirer. Write to her at lisa@scottoline.com.

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