Welcome to a 'Political House of Horrors'

Posted: October 31, 2013

AND NOW, just in time for Halloween, it's the fun yet scary amusement ride, "Political House of Horrors."

This isn't for everyone. No food, drink or moderates allowed.

The ride's in a big old house with two tracks running through it: one for hard-line Democrats, the other for hard-line Republicans.

There's a sign in front. But instead of reading "You have to be this tall" to go on this ride, it reads "You have to be this ideologically pure" - with a graphic set at 100 percent.

Democrats get strapped in a cart, a little red pickup truck sporting a gun rack and a "Santorum 2016" bumper sticker.

Some choke back gags.

Republicans get into a little blue Prius with a "Third Term for Obama" sticker.

Both carts are equipped with sickness bags.

Democratic riders experience one series of "horrors"; Republicans, another.

The Democratic ride starts in front of a big computer screen as someone repeatedly tries to log on to HealthCare.gov and keeps getting error messages. The screen then displays a loud train wreck and video of Ted Cruz laughing.

Oh, kids, pretty scary.

Republicans go through a room filled with young people, old people and immigrants of all races and religions getting quality, low-cost, government-subsidized health care from multiple, attentive providers.

Oh, the horror!

The Democratic track moves to a room full of voting booths. Well-dressed white Americans show government-issued ID cards, bank statements and credit ratings before casting straight-ticket GOP votes.

Democrats' sickness bags pop out automatically.

Republicans enter a similar room with voting booths. There are fast-moving lines of African-American, Hispanic and elderly voters "assisted" by Democratic ward leaders. They all cast multiple ballots while same-sex partners waving marriage licenses usher them through the process.

Even outside the "House of Horrors," sounds of Republican retching are audible.

Democrats ride past a video of Wayne LaPierre at the White House receiving the Presidential Medal of Freedom while Rush Limbaugh sings "God Bless America."

There are gasps.

Republicans careen past photographs of Nancy Pelosi accepting the speaker's gavel from John Boehner as Al Sharpton leads the House in prayer.

From the GOP cart come screams of "Nooo!"

Democrats pass an electric map of the U.S.A. that's slowly turning red. Flashing headlines show state after state outlawing abortion, criminalizing Hollywood movies, enacting right to work and repealing the 19th Amendment.

A Democratic rider yells, "I'm moving to France!"

Republicans also glide past a map. But this one shows states turning blue as headlines blare the news: fracking is outlawed, food stamps for all, the minimum wage is tripled and the Second Amendment repealed.

A GOP passenger passes out.

Then, on the Democratic track, Dick Cheney pops out, holding a shotgun, delivering his signature heh-heh laugh.

And Republicans cringe at a scene of Supreme Court Justice Michael Moore swearing in President Jane Fonda.

Finally, shaken, drained riders in both carts emerge from the darkness clutching their vomit bags.

There's a lantern-lit area at the end of each track.

As riders stagger from their carts they face two big barrels tended by smiling enablers. It's bobbing for campaign funds. One barrel is hosted by the Koch brothers, the other by George Soros.

The sinister, hair-raising, creepy thing? Both Rs and Ds bob in both barrels.


Blog: ph.ly/BaerGrowls

Columns: ph.ly/JohnBaer

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