If he won't commit, he's not a fit

Posted: December 13, 2013

Q: I've resumed dating a guy I'd earlier dated for almost a year. I ended it the first time because I felt as if I was wasting my time, as he did not seem ready to commit. When I first brought up commitment, he said he didn't think it would work financially because he has three kids and I also have three. We are in our 40s.

During the year we were apart, he was all I could think about, so I emailed him and we started dating again. The more time we spend together the more my feelings grow. But he still seems unable to commit. He never talks about the future with me. I get the feeling sometimes that I'm his "secret" because I have yet to meet his kids or other family members. Should I cut my losses now, knowing I will miss him horribly again, or hang in there for a little while longer?

STEVE: It should be obvious by now that he will never commit. So your choice is between a noncommittal relationship with no hope of a future or feeling miserable for a while but taking chances on meeting someone special who will commit. Since time heals all wounds, and wounds all heels, I say dump him.

MIA: Steve's right. Dump that dude. Don't waste time on a man who has a problem with the number of children you have. If you can't bring yourself to do it right away, keep seeing him but immediately start looking for his replacement.

Put up a profile on a dating website and get friends to fix you up. Make sure your status on Facebook indicates you're single and none of that "it's complicated" crap. There are plenty of men out there who will treat you like the prize you are. Date them, not this dud.

Q: I'm separated from my husband. We'll be officially divorced some time in 2014. But that's not the problem. My problem is that I can't stand the idea that my kids are going to be spending time over the holidays with my husband and his trashy mistress. My children are so sweet and innocent. I can't stand the idea that they'll be eating her food and opening presents she picked out for them. The thought of them bringing that crap back to my apartment makes me nuts. I don't want anything associated with her anywhere near me. And I don't want them eating her food.

MIA: For the sake of your kids, you need to mellow out big time. Seek professional counseling to help you deal with the holidays and all the other emotional minefields facing you in 2014. If you don't, your kids will suffer.

STEVE: Unless you want your kids to begin seeing good things in the mistress, keep your thoughts to yourself. Their instincts will put them on your side, but if you suck them into your misery, you'll lose them.


Steve is a 50-something married man who's been around the block. Mia is a younger, recently married woman with an all-together different attitude. They may not agree, but they have plenty of answers. Contact them at S&M@phillynews.com or S&M c/o Daily News, 801 Market St., Philadelphia, PA 19107.

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