Mia: We've certainly had our share of anguished emails from readers.
Steve: The Battle of the Sexes leaves many casualties.
Mia: And yet there are millions and millions of happy couples who stay together for years.
Steve: I'm one of them, but it's only because my wife married down.
Mia: All women marry down, Steve.
Steve: True! So, what do you have planned for Valentine's Day?
Mia: I'd tell you but it's X-rated. Please tell me you bought Mrs. Steve something racy for Valentine's Day and not one of those big, overstuffed teddy bears from that TV infomercial.
Steve: You mean like candy pants?
Mia: Something she'd enjoy, Steve, not you.
Steve: How about sitting in front of the fireplace with a glass of champagne, gazing into each other's eyes?
Mia: Now you're talking! I'm glad you're not one of those anti-Valentine's Day guys. You know the type: They expect you to jump up and down for the Super Bowl but when Valentine's Day rolls around, they start with the Hallmark-holiday crap.
Steve: Valentine's Day is a lot of pressure for us guys.
Mia: Women, too.
Steve: What would be a good romantic movie to watch?
Mia: You can't beat "The Notebook."
Steve: I like the Muppets. I read that Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy are getting married again. Do you believe in interspecies romance?
Mia: Stop. You're killing my romantic buzz.
Steve: Sometimes less is more. What do you think about holding hands and kissing?
Mia: It's a nice thing to do after an orgasm. What Valentine's Day curl-your-toes sex trick can you recommend our readers try?
Steve: The best sex trick is communication. Talk to each other about what you like and don't like. Talk about something you'd like to try for the first time. There will be enough areas of agreement to curl your toes and your hair.
Mia: Just don't forget the mink-lined handcuffs and silk ties.
Steve: Over the years, we've gotten to do lots of Valentine's Day stuff, including a visit to New York's Museum of Sex, but I think my favorite was the Philadelphia Zoo tour, where we learned about animal mating habits.
Mia: Humans aren't interesting enough for you?
Steve: Take the praying mantis. The female eats the brain of the male as he copulates with her. How many humans do that?
Mia: I can tell you've never seen "The Walking Dead."
Steve: So, after all these years and all the things we've learned from readers, what one piece of advice would you offer to make for an exciting Valentine's Day?
Mia: Get his and her nipple rings. Or pretend like you're Samantha in the "Sex and the City" movie sequel and place sushi over your naked body, and announce, "Dinner's on me." Do whatever. Just do something different. Vanilla sex gets boring.
Steve: I'd use Jack Daniel's and tell her to say, "Drinks on me."
Mia: And don't forget to overspend on red roses or high-quality chocolate. Or both.
Steve is a 50-something married man who's been around the block. Mia is a younger, recently married woman with a different attitude. They may not agree, but they have plenty of answers. Contact them at S&M@phillynews.com or S&M c/o Daily News, 801 Market St., Philadelphia, PA 19107.