Arsenio Hall

It's like the Fortune 500, only better-looking. The folks who track the celebrity zeitgeist for People magazine have issued their annual decree of who's hot and who's not. The People 400, a list of with-it celebs covered in the mag's annual Entertainment Almanac, has been brought ruthlessly up to date. How? If your show was a hit last year, or you had more than your fair share of magazine covers, you're in. If you lost a job or a boyfriend, you're probably out. Among the new names on the '97 list: six-degrees guy Kevin Bacon; sitcom/singing/prom-going sensation Brandy; action guy Jackie Chan; ubiquitous radio host Don Imus; MTV phenom Jenny McCarthy; and Christopher Reeve, who, considering how he got all last year's press, would probably just as soon not be on the list.

There's nothing quite like real-life drama to push a station's ratings up, and apparently no one knows that better than the Cable News Network (CNN). The all-news channel said its ratings rise almost 200 percent when the Iran-Contra hearings are on, and that 1.3 million viewers tuned in for the testimony of Fawn Hall alone. Coverage of the hearings resume today at 9:30 a.m. on CNN. WHYY (91/FM) also is providing live coverage starting at the same time. HIGH ON HY It may seem like Hy Lit (Hy-ski to good friends)

The Wilton North Report is the Fox Broadcasting Co.'s new attempt to launch a late-night variety show after the failure of The Late Show. After a week's worth of Wilton Norths, however, one begins to yearn for the shrieked insults of The Late Show's first host, Joan Rivers, or even the smirky sassiness of its last, Arsenio Hall. It's that bad. Wilton North (weeknights at 11:30 on Channel 29) is hosted by Phil Cowan and Paul Robins, former disc jockeys who apparently cracked up Sacramento radio listeners.

Jayson Williams says he wants his family to be like the Brady Bunch. That's why the 76ers' rookie forward is eager to complete the process he hopes will allow him to adopt his 15-year-old niece, Monique, and 11-year-old nephew, Ejay. Monique is the daughter of Williams's late sister, Laura; Ejay is the son of his late sister, Linda. With the guidance of Oscar Holt, an attorney and a member of the St. John's University faculty, Williams is trying to bring his extended family under one roof.

There are two things at work (and play) in tonight's premiere episode of What's Alan Watching? (8 p.m., Channel 10), which automatically makes it twice as interesting as most sitcoms. One thing is almost predictable. The other is totally unexpected. The first theme concerns the way TV pervades the lives of young people. I know, I know - so what else is new, right? But this idea is presented with fresh amusement here. Alan, played by the awkwardly named Corin "Corky" Nemec, is a Typical Teen living - where else?

"Oh, sure. I feed on flak. It's my croutons. " - Screenwriter Paul Rudnick, asked if he anticipated "getting any flak" over his new movie, "In & Out" It's enough to make Tattle feel like a schoolgirl. Just as they did in the old days, the Rolling Stones are bickering with the Beatles. Now members of once-battling bands appear to be arguing over who was the biggest stoner. Tattle regulars will recall reading here the other day about a new biography of Paul McCartney, in which the former member of the Fab Four took the - what?

The god of television is, in my imagination, a rugged cowboy type who looks and sounds a lot like Lorne Greene during the Bonanza era. Whatever tube deities you worship, it is time to give them thanks for the extraordinary programming bounty they have provided us on Sunday night. Amen and pass the remote. This is a feast beyond all reckoning - or recording, for that matter. Just don't make the rookie mistake of filling up on Shahs of Sunset reruns before the main courses are served.

Top 10 Reasons Why The Tonight Show With Jay Leno Can Never Replace The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson: (10) Backdrop looks like Kmart velvet painting. (9) Host's "tee-hee" laugh causes audience tooth discomfort. (8) Interviews with pre-verbal rock stars. (7) Unseen announcer not identified with sleazy syndicated TV shows, million-dollar magazine subscription deals, tarty starlets or alcohol overload. (6) Unrecognizable musical theme. (5) Guests and host pushing movies, CDs, etc., make the Home Shopping Network seem like PBS. (4)

Dom Irrera came home Thursday night, saw his mom, his high school English teacher, his good buddy assistant D.A. Joe McGettigan and 200 paying customers who filled the rest of the rickety theater seats in the Comedy Factory Outlet. With his beatific mother watching from the back of the venerable Bank Street club, Irrera - who looks like a cross between Soupy Sales and Ricardo Montalban (and talks like one, too, come to think of it) - launched into one of his signature pieces: a long, lewd, animated thesaurus of terms for moving one's bowels.

"I have an expression," Garry Shandling says. "The only stranger thing than being on TV every night is wanting to be on TV every night. " Shandling dives into the strangeness of nightly TV tonight on premium cable's HBO, playing Larry Sanders, a TV talk-show host who lives his job. "He's consumed with how well his show is doing in the ratings," Shandling explains in a recent interview. "He's consumed with whether he's likable and to what age group. He's consumed with what guests he's going to have on and what the other shows have on. " In short, Larry Sanders is a normal TV talk-show host, strangely crazy and a perfect foil for Shandling, a comedian with a gift for the neurotic.