Bette Midler

Bette Midler likes 'em big. The alternately bawdy and sentimental queen of the triple-entendre, who has built her tour reputation on large-scale extravaganzas, brought her "Kiss My Brass" show to the sold-out Wachovia Center on Thursday. And she didn't travel light this time either. Miss Don't-Say-Cher ("I'm not retiring, and you can't make me!") packed everything: sky-soaring carousel horses, intricately lit flower girls, wheelchair-winging mermaids, a horn-heavy band, costumed Harlettes choreographed by Toni Basil, and a backdrop that looked like Circus Circus meets the Tower of London.

Brash, bouncy, busty Bette Midler will soon fit another B-word, and it will make her quite blowzy. You guessed it: Midler, 42, is expecting a baby, her second. And she is one busy bombshell. She's making a movie, Beaches (also starring Barbara Hershey), finishing an HBO special called The Mondo Beyondo Show, and perfecting her singing in the Beverly Hills home she shares with her husband and 16-month-old, Sophie. The Disney comedy Big Business, starring Bette and Lily Tomlin, should arrive in June.

The gawkers and the talkers showed up an hour before show time, attracted by the ranging searchlights, and one another. Tuesday night was a triumphant homecoming of sorts. It has been 10 years since Bette Midler played New York, and - with an unprecedented 30-show Radio City Music Hall engagement that has broken box-office records - her fans are more than ready to take her back. A red carpet led up to the theater's entrance, and red-velvet ropes corralled television crews from New York stations, HBO and Entertainment Tonight.

"For The Boys" is Bette Midler's designer Oscar movie. Everything is arranged so that the star appears in as many heroic situations as possible, and can be seen in the unmistakable throes of acting on many occasions. It tries to answer many important Academy Award questions with a hearty "yes. " Does the actress get to wear old lady makeup? Does she sing and dance? Does she go to Vietnam? Do loved ones die around her like plague victims? Is the movie longer than the history of human conflict?

The wisdom among surfers is that "life's a beach, then you die. " For all impractical purposes, this is the theme of Beaches, a seriously glib and irresistibly enjoyable portrait of female friendship that offers this soothing moral: Men may come and go, but girlfriends are forever. Let's put it this way: Beaches rates two stars and four hankies. There are times when you would just rather have a good cry than see a good movie, and this is one of them. Beaches (somehow they didn't get the name exactly right)

In "Hocus Pocus," Bette Midler plays a 17th-century woman damned for all eternity because she has sold her soul to the devil. The role must have special resonance for Midler, who is under contract to Disney. The Divine (now satanic) Miss M must feel cursed indeed to have been cast in "Hocus Pocus," a persistently unfunny Disney youth comedy in which she wears disfiguring dentures and plays second fiddle to a cast of teen-agers and little children. At least the kids have a few good lines.

LET'S JUST START BY saying we know this is an item that's even sillier than usual, but the Phillies have been having a rough enough go of it this year that we thought they needed some good news. Or another excuse to rib 1-8 Cole Hamels . CougarLife.com, one of the countless Internet dating websites aimed at niche hook-ups - has named Hamels the second-most desirable baseball player in their survey of 11,000 cougars. The bad news is that our Phillie lost out to a Met - third baseman David Wright . Given that Hamels is married to the former Heidi Strobel (a Playboy model and "Survivor" contestant)

BEACH OF A ROLE FOR BETTE MIDLER Bette Midler supplies the voice of a pampered poodle in Walt Disney Pictures' "Oliver & Company," but her upcoming role in "Beaches" is certainly no dog. Midler plays opposite Barbara Hershey in the movie about the lifelong friendship between two women, and Hollywood has it that the role could qualify Midler for an Academy Award nomination for Best Actress (and/or Best Picture, as she co-produced the film)....

Bette Midler goes from "Beaches" to just plain beached in her latest picture, a bone fide stinker called "Stella" that arrives deader than a sea- going mammal at the Jersey shore. Midler is stranded in this shabby remake of "Stella Dallas," the famous 1937 tear-jerker that starred Barbara Stanwyck as a struggling single mother who makes a heartbreaking sacrifice for the betterment of her only child. Midler is badly miscast as Stella. Though Midler built her career as a stage performer who reveled in the language of the gutter, she doesn't look right standing in it. Midler is far too with-it to wash as a barmaid who dresses like a hooker because she doesn't know any better.

ALTHOUGH HE'S done voice-over for animated films like "Monsters Inc. " and "Cars," it's been 10 years since Billy Crystal has appeared as himself in a movie. His "comeback" film is "Parental Guidance," opening Christmas Day, a sentimental comedy about two old-school grandparents (Crystal, Bette Midler) who spend a week parenting their new-school grandchildren. Crystal loved the experience, he said, so we asked why he stayed away so long? His answer: He was busy with his one-man show, "700 Sundays.

LET'S JUST START BY saying we know this is an item that's even sillier than usual, but the Phillies have been having a rough enough go of it this year that we thought they needed some good news. Or another excuse to rib 1-8 Cole Hamels . CougarLife.com, one of the countless Internet dating websites aimed at niche hook-ups - has named Hamels the second-most desirable baseball player in their survey of 11,000 cougars. The bad news is that our Phillie lost out to a Met - third baseman David Wright . Given that Hamels is married to the former Heidi Strobel (a Playboy model and "Survivor" contestant)

THE family-friendliest comedy this holiday-movie season is also the sappiest and schmaltziest. And thanks to Billy Crystal, the shtickiest. "Parental Guidance" is a mild-mannered riff on parenting, then and now. It contrasts the top-down/career-first mentality of one generation with the coddled "nurturing" of today, but never takes a stand on which is better. Basically, it's a vehicle for Billy Crystal, and to a lesser degree Bette Midler, to riff on the spoiled, overindulged and sometimes-uptight kids their kid is raising.

ALTHOUGH HE'S done voice-over for animated films like "Monsters Inc. " and "Cars," it's been 10 years since Billy Crystal has appeared as himself in a movie. His "comeback" film is "Parental Guidance," opening Christmas Day, a sentimental comedy about two old-school grandparents (Crystal, Bette Midler) who spend a week parenting their new-school grandchildren. Crystal loved the experience, he said, so we asked why he stayed away so long? His answer: He was busy with his one-man show, "700 Sundays.

Bette Midler hasn't been on the big screen nearly enough as she should since wrapping up her Vegas revue, The Showgirl Must Go On , in 2010. "I . . . take meetings" all the time, Bette, 66, tells USA Today. "Doing a movie is like pulling together a giant ship. It's not easy. " Luckily, Bette has a new pic due over the holidays, the Billy Crystal comedy Parental Guidance . Bette, who bagged a reported $40 mil from the revue, isn't eager to return to the stage. "I served my time.

J ERRY SEINFELD and Bette Midler will headline the Nov. 13 opening gala of the National Museum of American Jewish History in its new home on Independence Mall. Ticketing information will be released soon on nmajh.org. "Real Housewives of New Jersey" reg- ular Kim Granatell took in Lady Gaga's concert last night at the Wells Fargo Center with 14-year-old Garrett Snider , grandson of Comcast-Spectacor boss Ed Snider , who befriended Kim G. over the summer. Country rocker Bo Bice , former "American Idol" runner-up, stopped at Food Tek (555 City Ave.)

Bette Midler likes 'em big. The alternately bawdy and sentimental queen of the triple-entendre, who has built her tour reputation on large-scale extravaganzas, brought her "Kiss My Brass" show to the sold-out Wachovia Center on Thursday. And she didn't travel light this time either. Miss Don't-Say-Cher ("I'm not retiring, and you can't make me!") packed everything: sky-soaring carousel horses, intricately lit flower girls, wheelchair-winging mermaids, a horn-heavy band, costumed Harlettes choreographed by Toni Basil, and a backdrop that looked like Circus Circus meets the Tower of London.

In a strange way, the new TV season, which officially begins Oct. 2, is extraordinary: There's not much to get really excited about - three shows, total. But of the 29 new series on the six networks, only five are barking dogs. The number could climb. As usual, a handful of programs are being kept in hiding. But the 2000 newcomers as a class are remarkably watchable. CBS actually goes an uncanny 7-for-7, introducing four dramas and three comedies that are all passable. Even more astonishing in the era of quick cancellation, all of them could survive until May. Among them is the season's best new series, Bette.

Schmaltz. Not a compliment, that Showbizzy ideal of hamminess and glamminess meant to dazzle rather than illuminate. Schmaltz is used to detract. But for Bette Midler, who brought her Millennium tour to the First Union Center on Saturday, "schmaltz" is a compliment, a definition of who she has been as an entertainer (not to be confused with her singing, which is often sublime) since her '70s heyday. When the world was in the throes of glitter rock and SoCal harmonizing, Midler belted and bawdied her way with her own brand of glam: a rude, bodice-popping blend of Sophie Tucker (whom she blatantly tributes in live performance)

On getting past the flak: "I'd like to set up a brief phone interview with Bette Midler. Tomorrow OK?" "Sorry, she's got two already. Bette only does two a day. " "Next day?" "Next day she's got a show. Bette never talks on days she sings. " "Next?" "Weekend. " "Monday? I only need 15 minutes. " "I can get you 10. " For which, of course, she's 20 minutes late. Some divas are born to it. Midler's first album, 1973's The Divine Miss M (Atlantic)

Melissa Manchester has no problems writing music when she's on the road. In fact, the singer-songwriter says that's when she's probably at her best. "That's about the only time I have long periods of time to myself," she said with a laugh. "With two kids [10 and 12 years old] around the house always asking for this or for that, I don't have a lot of time on my hands. I'll tell you, they go to bed at 9:30 and I go to bed at 9:35. I have to practice to stay up late. " Manchester will be staying up at least a little late tonight and Saturday when she appears in The Colors of Christmas at the Tropicana.