Carolyn Hax

"Ask Amy" has been discontinued. Carolyn Hax's advice column, "Tell Me About It," will appear Monday through Saturday.

Adapted from a recent online discussion. Question: A married coworker recently told me he likes me. I like him as well, but I have specified that I don't want anything to happen. It still doesn't stop him from trying to approach me, all verbal. I was cheated on at one point in my life, and I feel guilty that I could even attract this. I keep picturing his wife to be beautiful, smart, confident, and a whole lot more talented and successful than I am. I compare myself to this idea of her I've conjured up, and the guilt is eating me alive.

Question: My best friend recently confided that he's thinking of proposing to his girlfriend. They've only been dating about eight months, and she is his first girlfriend. I'm a little worried here! I seem to remember you saying that approximately two years should give somebody enough information about their partner to make a decision. I tend to agree, but my friend sees another whole year of dating as a "waste of time. " Any strategies for making the case to him to collect some more data?

Answer: Sure, but you can't spell it out that way. And you also can't do it without your husband's backing. You and he need to talk about it, and agree that you and the daughter don't have to be friends but you do need to be civil and treat each other with respect. Then he needs to agree that he will gently draw the line any time he witnesses poor treatment, and ask her to move out if she refuses to behave respectfully. You, too, will have to do your part. First, you need to grant your husband license to tell you when you're doing something to aggravate the situation.

Question: Am I crazy to still be friends with my ex-wife? We split up five years ago after she had an affair with the man she is married to now. We had been married 15 years and had three kids, now ages 21 to 15. I let go of any anger I had and forgave her several years ago. Now we are friends and text from time to time, and have lunch to talk about life, work, and the kids. There is nothing sexual happening. She is just a friend I have known for 21 years. All my divorced friends think I am crazy and can't really be happy unless I put her out of my life.

Question: My husband cannot let things go - he holds grudges for way longer than the offense is worth. He still brings up things that happened months/years ago to illustrate my (presumed) faults. It's not just me; he gives his older sister grief for dropping him when he was 6 months old and she was 3. Besides pointing out that he's being ridiculous when he gets going on some old grudge, do you have any suggestions for dealing with this? Answer: Holding grudges is a form of control.

While Carolyn Hax is away, readers give the advice. On making conversation with monosyllabic teenagers: When my boys were in high school, it did no good to ask how their day had been, so I tried the following questions: What was the craziest thing you saw in the lunchroom/hall/bus? What was the funniest thing that happened today? Who asked the stupidest question in (name a class)? Why was it stupid? How did the teacher respond? How would you have responded differently? Which teacher did you disagree with the most today?

Adapted from a recent online discussion. Question: How old is too old to live at home? I'm 24 and employed but live in a very large, expensive city. My parents are happy to have me live at home so I can save my money and eventually buy a place, rather than throw money away on rent. Some of my friends think this is a great situation, but the majority of people think this is weird. What do you think? Answer: Depends on the details. Are you an independent person who occupies space in your parents' home, or are your parents doing your laundry and cooking your food?

Question: What do you do if you've told your spouse several times that you feel like you do all the heavy lifting, and still nothing changes? Then what? Answer: You figure out how much you're willing to do, and you do only that. It may seem like bean-counting, but it's actually an important step in figuring out what is wrong between you. It's possible for half of a couple to be very high-functioning and to have unrealistic expectations of what the other half needs to contribute.

Question: My husband doesn't handle frustration well. He gets snippy, slams things, speaks to me sharply, stomps around, etc. I told him I don't think it's fair that he takes his bad moods out on me. He said I take everything too personally — that since he's not technically angry at ME, I shouldn't care. But it's still me who has to deal with the snapping and slamming doors every time he can't open a sticky window. Is it reasonable to ask him to find a better way to deal with his feelings when he's upset?

Question: I began dating someone about three months ago. Things are going really well (we're 30). My problem is that his ex is very intertwined in his life. They broke up about a year and a half ago, his decision, after dating three years, and have remained friends. They have close mutual friends (some of whom are also my close friends — that's how we met), and his mom, brother, aunts, uncles, and cousins are her Facebook friends, post on her wall, etc. I know there's nothing going on between them, but I also know she still has feelings for him. Needless to say, she comes up in conversations — normally his comparing me to her. It's always in my favor, but it annoys me. Plus, she's always around when we go out with the mutual friends.

Question: I'm a single guy who has harbored feelings for one of my best friends for a number of years. I've never said anything to her since I don't want to put her in the position of having to reject me, and I know in my head it wouldn't work out due to a number of lifestyle and religious hurdles. She has begun seeing someone. How can I take a break from our friendship without ruining it? ?Answer:Best to lie low for a bit without explaining, since you want to maintain the friendship but you also don't care to play audience to her romance.

Question: I'm 33; I'm smart, funny, reasonably attractive, and I have my life together. I love my job, I volunteer, I exercise, I have great friends, and I have enjoyable hobbies. But my dating life sucks. I don't meet people in real life, despite all my best efforts (see above). And in the past three years I've been out with close to a hundred online dates, none of whom I've really clicked with. It seems like I must be doing something wrong, or else I'm seriously deluded about how awesome I am. How do I keep my hopes up and keep trying?

Question: I'm hoping you could share your thoughts on using gifts as a platform to give a well-meaning nudge in a new life direction. My adult daughter (now in her 30s) has been something of a disappointment in terms of her career development. Most other members of the family of her generation are extremely successful doctors, lawyers, executives, etc. She is a midlevel manager, and, although she has a good income and clearly enjoys her job, she doesn't seem terribly ambitious.

On pornography: I believe that feelings about porn should be included in those initial heavy relationship discussions when you talk about religion, children, anger-management techniques, honesty, gay friends, money, etc. Opposite views on any of these should potentially be enough to call off a wedding. Early in the relationship should be the time the man says, "I view porn on occasion, I would never choose it over you, it doesn't affect the way I think about you or behave. I will respect you by not viewing it in front of you, but I will not sneak behind your back to view it or accept you scolding me about it. " This takes courage because her response may be "Fine, I'm outta here.

Question: I was asked for relationship advice by a friend of my girlfriend's. I gave what I thought was good advice, which led to said friend breaking up with her boyfriend. Rightly so, he was cheating. Fast-forward six months and now this friend and the cheater are of course getting back together. And my girlfriend is ticked because her friend is distancing herself because of the advice I gave, and it's all my fault that her social group is falling apart. Answer: Ask her whether you're also to blame for the housing bubble and the Fukushima Daiichi meltdown.

Question: Any advice on how to keep bouncing back when life keeps sending bad news your way? I feel like that ambush scene in Bonnie and Clyde when the cops keep shooting way after Bonnie and Clyde have probably died. My father died of ALS in July, my mother has ovarian cancer and her chemo isn't working, our dog is 15 and on his last legs (no pun intended), and my freelance business is in the tank due to the recession. I'm talking with a therapist each week but still feel swallowed up by the never-ending crap tsunami.

Question: After years of reading your chats with a sick feeling in my stomach, knowing that wanting things to work didn't make it so, I finally ended my tumultuous five-year relationship six months ago. I have felt great since then! My ex did not take it well. We've kept in contact as friends (his choice, I thought time apart would help), and he's repeated his desire to try again. He's taking responsibility and making real changes to deal with what led to our problems (cheating, emotional abuse, etc.)

Question: Am I crazy to still be friends with my ex-wife? We split up five years ago after she had an affair with the man she is married to now. We had been married 15 years and had three kids, now ages 21 to 15. I let go of any anger I had and forgave her several years ago. Now we are friends and text from time to time, and have lunch to talk about life, work, and the kids. There is nothing sexual happening. She is just a friend I have known for 21 years. All my divorced friends think I am crazy and can't really be happy unless I put her out of my life.