Charlie Sheen

You know there's something seriously wrong when Charlie Sheen has the moral high ground! Sheen tells TMZ he is happy his kids with ex-wife Brooke Mueller were removed from her custody by California authorities because they suspected her of using drugs at home. Four-year-old twins Bob and Max are staying with Charlie's other ex-wife, Denise Richards , while Brooke, 35, is under investigation. But Brooke decided to take the initiative: Her rep tells the New York Daily News she is entering "a residential treatment facility to get help for prescription drug abuse.

THE WRITERS from "Saturday Night Live" have a skip to their step this week. The makers of HBO's "Entourage," having imitated Hollywood life to a T, now watch open-mouthed as Charlie Sheen repeatedly channels their show for all to see. "I've got tiger blood and Adonis DNA," Sheen told one of his many interviewers over the past few days. He told another, "You borrow my brain for 5 seconds and just be like, 'Dude, can't handle it. Unplug this bastard.' " Is he manic, bipolar or just plain wacky?

In a stunning development that will stun no one in the whole world, Charlie Sheen has been fired from CBS's cash-cow show Two and a Half Men . What - he wasn't before? No, actually, he was just suspended, after one of the most tumultuous years of any star's life . . . although, well, yes, it smelled like a firing. Now it's official. Warner sent Chas a letter yesterday telling him, and now Charlie's a true winner. The show itself was suspended for the season on Feb. 24. Warner reps say the studio has made no decision on the future of Men - only that, whatever happens, the gaunt, staring Sheen won't be part of it. Chas has been threatening to sue since his suspension.

We are drowning in Charlie Sheen 's ill aura, his psychic viscera. And we want more! Chas will bring his narcissistic, disaster-on-wheels blitzkrieg, "My Violent Torpedo of Truth" show - a meandering rant on his so-called life, to the Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City on April 16. (Info at www.ticketmaster.com .) CS makes $150,000 a show, hardly the $1.2 mil per episode for Two and a Half Men . Want a better class of visitor? Bill Cosby , 73, will perform April 30 at Lincoln University in Chester County.

One banner-dragging plane buzzing Beverly Hills generated two phone calls from Charlie Sheen to Philadelphia's Wired 96.5. Sheen spoke about a new understanding with CBS about his hit show Two and a Half Men , and said the rumors of an imminent arrest were based on a misunderstanding. The station-commissioned streamer unfurled Thursday morning, reading, "Philly's Wired 96.5 (heart) u - call us 4 ur next role" and listed a phone number. Sheen, whose recent spate of rants on all sorts of media outlets have included having "tiger blood" and living with two "goddesses," phoned in Thursday night, and then talked even longer to Chio and his crew this morning.

IT'S BEEN a couple of weeks since Capri Anderson (or whatever her name is this week) has had a chance to see her monicker in the Tattle column, so she made the rounds at ABC yesterday to tell her side of her story of her "date" with Charlie Sheen . Capri, the woman who was found locked in the bathroom of Charlie's Plaza Hotel suite, said she's suing the "Two and a Half Men" star for battery and false imprisonment, and plans to file a criminal report...

CHARLIE SHEEN's publicist, Stan Rosenfeld, says child-services workers went to Sheen's home this weekend for a routine visit. If they had come to take Sheen's kids away, chances are that Rosenfeld would not be the one blabbing about it. Instead, he said, the visit had been scheduled and was procedural. He declined to discuss specifics. The visit was connected to a pending felony domestic-violence case in Aspen, Colo., against the "Two and a Half Men" star. The child-services department says it can't confirm that workers had gone to Sheen's home or that there was any case involving the actor or his wife, Brooke Mueller.

C HARLIE SHEEN sued Warner Bros. and the executive producer of "Two and a Half Men" yesterday, seeking $100 million to recoup his salary and wages for the show's crew. (Estimating streaming rates at TLAraw.com, Charlie seeks about 865 million minutes of porn.) Charlie's breach-of-contract suit alleges that production was halted on his CBS sitcom to punish him for recent bad behavior that included destroying a hotel room, two hospitalizations, a public child-custody battle and verbal attacks against executive producer Chuck Lorre . The filing comes four days after Charlie was fired.

ANGER MANAGEMENT. 9 p.m. Thursday, FX. CHARLIE SHEEN'S always been a bit like StarKist's Charlie the Tuna: No one wants him for his good taste. Certainly FX, which in the wake of the former "Two and a Half Men" star's nasty divorce from CBS picked up 10 episodes of his new comedy — with an option for 90 more — wouldn't expect "Anger Management" to be "Frasier. " Home to "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" and "Sons of Anarchy" as well as to "Wilfred," "Louie" and the new "Brand X with Russell Brand" (all three of which follow a double-shot of Sheen's new show on Thursday)

C HARLIE SHEEN 's "Bringin' the Crazy" Multimedia Tour is in full swing, and one can only be thankful he wasn't a presenter on the Oscars or the show might still be going. In Charlie interviews with enabler No. 1, ABC's "Good Morning America," and enabler No. 2, NBC's "Today" show, he boasted about his "epic" partying, said he's fueled by "violent hatred" of his bosses, claimed to have kicked drugs at home in his "Sober Valley Lodge" and demanded a raise to return to work. Unfortunately, Charlie's antics have made it likely that "Two and a Half Men" is TV toast, putting fellow cast and crew members out of work and costing producers tens of millions of dollars.

JUSTIN BIEBER HIT the stage two hours late in Dubai Sunday night, and near the end of his set a fan hit him. According to thenational.ae, Bieber was playing "Believe" on the piano when a young man in a white shirt and jeans jumped onstage and tackled him from behind . Security quickly pounced on the tackler as Bieber ran to the side of the stage. The attacker, meanwhile, pushed the piano off its hinges and the unplayable instrument was taken offstage shortly after he was. Bieber, rattled trooper that he is, finished the song with his band.

You know there's something seriously wrong when Charlie Sheen has the moral high ground! Sheen tells TMZ he is happy his kids with ex-wife Brooke Mueller were removed from her custody by California authorities because they suspected her of using drugs at home. Four-year-old twins Bob and Max are staying with Charlie's other ex-wife, Denise Richards , while Brooke, 35, is under investigation. But Brooke decided to take the initiative: Her rep tells the New York Daily News she is entering "a residential treatment facility to get help for prescription drug abuse.

HOLLYWOOD celebrities: Lock your cars! Or, at least, don't stash $100,000 worth of jewelry in your Mercedes, and leave the doors open. That's what dancing actress Julianne Hough , star of "Safe Haven," seems to have done after parking outside a pal's apartment building. Not surprisingly, when she came back to the Benz, the driver's-side door was wide open, the car's interior was trashed and the bling was long gone. The jewels were gifts from the prince of E! himself, Hough's long-term (yet still short)

The angriest man in Hollywood has to be the manager of Angus T. Jones, the junior charter cast member of Two and a Half Men , who publicly trashed the sitcom this week. Imagine you have a pony that gets paid a mind-boggling amount of money for making a weekly appearance at a successful, long-running circus. You pinch yourself daily over this incredible, crazily lucrative stroke of fortune. Because you're pretty sure that if the circus decided it could do without your pony, you'd never find another paying gig for him, even giving kids rides at birthday parties.

LAST WEEKEND, Chris Brown got into a Twitter battle with comedy writer Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonhi5), prompting Brown to delete his account. Every time Brown tweeted, Johnson would come back at him, reminding her 300,000-plus followers that he's a woman-beater, referring to the 2009 incident where he was arrested for assaulting then-girlfriend Rihanna . Brown's response was to tell Johnson that he planned on pooping in her eye and various other things that the Daily News is, believe it or not, too classy to repeat.

"I'd be a good motivational speaker," Dolly Parton tells USA Today. "Incorporate my music and my stories and help uplift people. " Parton, 66, shows off her inner life coach in Dream More: Celebrate the Dreamer in You , her new book about reaching one's aspirations, which grew out of her '09 commencement address at the University of Tennessee. "I was scared to death! I can get out and talk all day, but I don't think I'm smart enough . . . for that kind of talk," Parton says. "But I worked hard at it. " Parton has yet to fulfill one of her dreams - making her life story into a Broadway musical.

IF YOU KNOW THE NAME Melanie Lynskey, you're already planning to see her in "Hello I Must Be Going. " If you don't, this film will have you making up for lost time. That's how good an actress she is. Lynskey's career began unforgettably in 1994 when she and fellow teen Kate Winslet co-starred in Peter Jackson's unsettling "Heavenly Creatures. " But while Winslet's profile went sky-high three years later when she intoxicated Leonardo DiCaprio in "Titanic," Lynskey's career has been more under the radar.

The court was shocked, shocked, to find topless photos of a beautiful celeb in a French magazine. Actually, "brutal" was how the tribunal in Nanterre, France, described the pics of Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge , née Kate Middleton , that appeared Friday in the magazine Closer. The court, responding to a complaint by Kate and hub Prince William , ordered the mag on Tuesday to turn over all digital copies of the pics within 24 hours and cease further publication of them. The publishers will be fined $13,100 for every day they delay.

The much-traveled Freddy Garcia (and who wouldn't welcome a 35-year-old pitcher who goes by "Freddy") won his 150th game on Sunday, and like many of his 149 wins beforehand it took some doing. The Yankees righthander hung around for five innings against the Mariners, giving up two runs on five hits and four walks to end a string of three straight losing starts. He finished with 85 pitches, 47 for strikes. His record now stands at 150-100, cementing his place as the winningest Venezuelan pitcher in history.

IT WAS A SLOW WEEKEND on the Tattle front because celebrities were either stuck at home waiting for Olympic events to stream "live" to their computers — it's awesome watching a 58-second swimming race stop and buffer five times — or they're in Hollywood speaking with the People Paper's Ellen Gray and the nation's other TV critics. Saturday night was the Television Critics Association's annual awards night at the Beverly Hilton, and HBO's "Game of Thrones" was named program of the year.