June 29, 2015 |
By the time you read this, I will have turned 60, and my birthday will have passed. Hopefully, I won't have passed, too. I can't say I'm delighted about this birthday. It's not that I hate aging, it's that I hate dying. This feeling caught me by surprise. Generally, I love my birthday because it always involves chocolate cake. But now I'm wondering if the cake is compensation for my death, in which case, we need to do better. Oddly, I didn't realize I was having negative feelings until I got the idea to renovate my kitchen.
January 12, 2015 |
I get a lot of great fan mail, but sometimes it's less-than-adoring. For example, somebody recently wrote to me, "You call yourself 'middle-aged,' but you're already 59. Do you think you're going to live until you're 118?" Not very nice. But then again, absolutely true. And though I generally don't pay attention to the occasional hater, this time I did. Maybe because her e-mail arrived around the new year, when we all think about the passage of time. I considered her point, and it changed my mind.
June 16, 2013 |
It was the great philosopher Justin Bieber who said, "never say never," and boy, that kid knew what he was talking about. Because lately I find myself doing things I never thought I'd do. Things I'd read about other people doing and thought to myself, I may do a lot of things, but I'll never do that. It started three weeks ago, when I was looking for something to watch on TV and nothing was on, so I defaulted to On Demand. I'm a big fan of On Demand, mostly because I'm not the demanding type and it's training me to assert myself.
March 4, 2013 |
I have an embarrassing story to tell you about how I tore my quadriceps muscle. I didn't do it skiing or running, snowboarding or hiking. All I did was get off the toilet seat. Yes, I'm too old to pee-pee without hazard. Last Sunday I left the bathroom, took a step, and got a pain in my thigh that felt as bad as childbirth without the ice chips. I tried to take two more steps, but couldn't walk. I broke out in a sweat and cried out in pain. The dogs didn't notice anything amiss.
February 10, 2013 |
Valentine's Day is upon us, and if you're single, you know what that means. Depression, shame, and chocolate cake. I'm not saying you should feel that way. I'm just saying you might, if you're single, divorced, a widower, or a widow. And if you do, I have a few words on the subject. But before I begin, I have to admit that I've had more than a few Valentine's Days by myself, so much so that I've even written about it several times already. Top that for pathetic. You can't.
February 8, 2013
I SAW AN ad the other day pushing bacon as an ideal Valentine's Day gift, and I had to laugh. It's like saying, "Here, sweetheart, I want you to die sooner!" OK, I know this holiday is not about eating "right. " It's about something bigger, and that something is love. Love and chocolate. Dark chocolate is the treat that loves you back. Healthwise, you can have your chocolate cake and eat it, too, especially if you mix it with - don't laugh - fruits and veggies. It's not a new idea.
December 30, 2012 |
It's almost the New Year, and as you may know, I don't like to make conventional resolutions, because that requires me to think about how much I suck. Who needs it? Too negative. Instead, every new year, I prefer to make unresolutions. I think about the things I like about myself and resolve to keep doing them. As in, I resolve to keep kissing my dogs on the lips. I can't be the only middle-aged woman with puppy breath. And this year, I have one big unresolution, which is to continue to dream about harebrained schemes to make money.
July 24, 2012 |
BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. — Just how far will a British gentleman go to support the man who dresses him? Hugh Bonneville, who plays the usually very proper Lord Grantham on PBS' "Downton Abbey," tore off his tie and ripped open his shirt before a roomful of reporters Saturday night to reveal a T-shirt that read "Free Bates. " So, OK, it wasn't exactly a striptease. And it's not as if Bonneville dropped his trousers — something that's happened a time or two, onstage, during Television Critics Association events — but for PBS' portion of the group's summer meetings, which began this weekend in Beverly Hills, it counted as a Moment.
January 8, 2012 |
I know I've written about my feet before, but changes are afoot. Sorry. To begin, my feet barely look human anymore. My soles have thickened to an elephant's hide, and my toenails have turned to horn, curved and yellowing. I don't have feet, I have hooves. Bottom line, I'm becoming a centaur. Or maybe a Minotaur. Either way, I'm not getting remarried anytime soon. Unless Thing Three is the Old Spice guy. To top it off, my amazing disappearing little toenail is now long gone.
June 12, 2011 |
I feel sorry for these men who are taking cellphone pictures of their privates and e-mailing them to women. Say cheesy. Some of these guys are taking the photos in their underwear, and some go commando, showing their sheaths unsheathed. Yikes. It started with a quarterback and spread to a politician, and now I'm kicking myself. If I had said something earlier, all of this foolishness could have been prevented. Faces could have been saved. Not to mention, well, you know what else.