Club Med

Club Med has signed an agreement with the Cuban government to manage and promote a new resort about 80 miles east of Havana at beautiful Varadero Beach - the only one of Club Med's 115 vacation villages around the world that will be legally off-limits to Americans, at least for now. Club Med-Varadero will be anchored by a 319-room hotel that is under construction and expected to be ready in time for the winter tourist season in November....

Cindy Ortega needed a break. "I'm with children all day long," says Ortega, who owns Kids Learning Adventure, a Miami preschool. So she and her husband, Roberto, booked a four-night stay at a luxury, adults-only, all-inclusive resort in Mexico over Valentine's Day weekend. "It was amazing," she says. "I've been to all-inclusives before, but this was completely different. From the minute we entered, there were people tending to us. " The Ortegas stayed at Le Blanc Spa Resort in Cancun, an upscale resort that offers more perks than conventional all-inclusives, which are known more for value than for individualized services.

The first sign of the pirates is a yelp. "Heeeeeeey-ooooooooo!" howls one of them, and the people on the beach see his sword, a flimsy-looking thing, peeking over the dunes. Then, over the dunes they come, and onto the magnificent pink sands of this generally quiet island. "Buried treasure!" hollers one, who looks as though he is wearing pirate makeup. "Buried treasure!" the six or eight other pirates echo, and one of them pulls out a ratty-looking map with a big X. " 'Tis over there," the chief pirate points with his sword, and his mateys begin plowing furiously into the sand with shovels.

HOW IN the world do we expect new, stricter gun laws to be enforced when the judges don't enforce the gun laws on the books now? Must be an election year with all the political bull going on. Last time I checked, you were supposed to get five years for a gun crime, but since the prisons seem like Club Med to the thugs, with free medical care, three square meals, cable TV and central air, it's probably better to be in jail than in a hot...

The much-heralded and much-delayed resort development of Huatulco is finally beginning to take shape here, along the sheltered bays and beaches of the southwest Pacific Coast, where the sky is blue, the sun shines most of the time and the average temperature is 82 degrees. Yes, the "spectacular natural setting" promised by the Mexican government and resort developers does exist. But don't go packing your bags quite yet, because there's practically nowhere to stay unless you are a Club Med fan. In fact, the only place that's accepting guests is the new Club Med, the chain's biggest facility in the Western Hemisphere, which anchors 50 acres of hillside and beach on Tangolunda Bay and can accommodate 1,000 guests.

'PERESTROIKA' COMES TUMBLING DOWN We are into post-modernist perestroika, and the one thing that everyone has read is Sasha Kabakov's novella The Man Who Would Not Come Back. It is a devastating political satire thinly disguised as a sci-fi yarn. Our hero can travel through time, so a nervous KGB bullies him into zooming ahead to 1993 to see how perestroika turns out. What he finds makes Beirut look like Club Med. The only remnant of perestroika after the civil war of 1991 is the money, called Gorbatti, but you have to use ration coupons anyway.

It's cold and miserable outside, and you're tired of reading about millionaires' trips to Bali or Mustique. It's time to go somewhere where it's the sun - not gas, oil or electricity - that warms people up. How about good, old Florida? And good, not-so-old Walt Disney World? We'll throw in a cruise to Nassau and round-trip air fare from Philadelphia - and keep the whole price under $1,000 per person. The Premier Cruise Lines package is no secret - more than 100,000 people have tried it since 1984.

GREAT SCOT. The U.S. Department of Transportation has cleared the way for three airlines American, Northwest and British Airways - to fly nonstop from the United States to Abbotsinch Airport, 15 minutes from downtown Glasgow, Scotland, and about 45 minutes from Edinburgh. The move, if matched, as expected, by the British government, should increase American tour packages to Scotland and also relieve some of the congestion at London's overcrowded Heathrow and Gatwick Airports. It could make Abbotsinch a third United Kingdom jumping-off spot for flights on to Europe, Africa and Asia.

SIMON TO TAKE MANHATTAN Paul Simon, who drew 500,000 people to Central Park 10 years ago with ex- partner Art Garfunkel, will play the Great Lawn as a solo act in a free concert Aug. 15. Simon and his record company, Time Warner, will also pick up the tab for the extra police, sanitation and paramedics needed for such a show. The city's financial problems might have otherwise blocked the show. Simon, who is currently touring overseas with his 17-piece band, will throw in a "sizable" donation to the parks commission for parks in all five boroughs.

Trouble in paradise. That's the overly familiar premise of this sun-poisoned comedy. Four couples from a snow-crusted suburb set off for a tropical retreat. Three of them are expecting rum, rumba, and relaxation. So they're more than a little peeved when they find out they're enrolled in an intensive relationship workshop. Couples Retreat introduces its cardboard characters and sets up the plot efficiently and with a fair degree of wit. But once this skit hits the sand, all towels are off. The story and the humor get progressively skimpier than an Ipanema bikini.

Trouble in paradise. That's the overly familiar premise of this sun-poisoned comedy. Four couples from a snow-crusted suburb set off for a tropical retreat. Three of them are expecting rum, rumba, and relaxation. So they're more than a little peeved when they find out they're enrolled in an intensive relationship workshop. Couples Retreat introduces its cardboard characters and sets up the plot efficiently and with a fair degree of wit. But once this skit hits the sand, all towels are off. The story and the humor get progressively skimpier than an Ipanema bikini.

Cindy Ortega needed a break. "I'm with children all day long," says Ortega, who owns Kids Learning Adventure, a Miami preschool. So she and her husband, Roberto, booked a four-night stay at a luxury, adults-only, all-inclusive resort in Mexico over Valentine's Day weekend. "It was amazing," she says. "I've been to all-inclusives before, but this was completely different. From the minute we entered, there were people tending to us. " The Ortegas stayed at Le Blanc Spa Resort in Cancun, an upscale resort that offers more perks than conventional all-inclusives, which are known more for value than for individualized services.

HOW IN the world do we expect new, stricter gun laws to be enforced when the judges don't enforce the gun laws on the books now? Must be an election year with all the political bull going on. Last time I checked, you were supposed to get five years for a gun crime, but since the prisons seem like Club Med to the thugs, with free medical care, three square meals, cable TV and central air, it's probably better to be in jail than in a hot...

Imagine a vacation spot with relatively sparse accommodations (no clock, not a single chair, not even a box of tissues), buffet dining as far as two city blocks from your table, and kids, kids, kids all over the place. Feel like staying home, don't you? Now, imagine the same place, but add this: There's so much to do that you spend hardly any time in your room, the food is actually very good and comes with free wine and beer, and some of those kids are yours - and they're off at camp while you're lounging on a gorgeous, palm-tree-studded beach.

At any big U.S. national park you're bound to see vacationers waiting in line at the visitors center checkout to buy the official guidebooks to the park they are visiting. They probably don't realize that they can get those very guides before leaving home - and it makes sense to bone up on the parks prior to arrival, allowing you to make the most of your limited time there. The National Park Service publishes official guidebooks to dozens of national parks, monuments and memorials, which are sold by the Superintendent of Documents.

Club Med has signed an agreement with the Cuban government to manage and promote a new resort about 80 miles east of Havana at beautiful Varadero Beach - the only one of Club Med's 115 vacation villages around the world that will be legally off-limits to Americans, at least for now. Club Med-Varadero will be anchored by a 319-room hotel that is under construction and expected to be ready in time for the winter tourist season in November....

This is the problem with vacationing in the Caribbean: You spend a fortune getting there and sleeping there, and that's just the beginning. On most islands, a dinner for two can easily fetch $75 and end up being mediocre. Twenty minutes of water skiing - $30, if you're lucky. A fishing trip? You may have to withdraw from your IRA. In short, except for those rare individuals who admit they're not middle- class, but upper-class, and aren't lying, a Caribbean trip can be painfully expensive.

SIMON TO TAKE MANHATTAN Paul Simon, who drew 500,000 people to Central Park 10 years ago with ex- partner Art Garfunkel, will play the Great Lawn as a solo act in a free concert Aug. 15. Simon and his record company, Time Warner, will also pick up the tab for the extra police, sanitation and paramedics needed for such a show. The city's financial problems might have otherwise blocked the show. Simon, who is currently touring overseas with his 17-piece band, will throw in a "sizable" donation to the parks commission for parks in all five boroughs.

Here's what happens when you spend three futile days doing battle with the best team in the East Division: Your bats go into hibernation. Your pitchers get sliced and diced, nicked for singles and ripped for homers. And before you know it, you're winging back home with three fresh losses on the ledger. So it went for the Phils over the weekend. In the fun department, this trip to Pirates territory ranked far below Club Med. It ended yesterday with a 5-2 loss to John Smiley, the young lefty with the nasty slider who pitched his longest stint of the season.

The first sign of the pirates is a yelp. "Heeeeeeey-ooooooooo!" howls one of them, and the people on the beach see his sword, a flimsy-looking thing, peeking over the dunes. Then, over the dunes they come, and onto the magnificent pink sands of this generally quiet island. "Buried treasure!" hollers one, who looks as though he is wearing pirate makeup. "Buried treasure!" the six or eight other pirates echo, and one of them pulls out a ratty-looking map with a big X. " 'Tis over there," the chief pirate points with his sword, and his mateys begin plowing furiously into the sand with shovels.