Clueless

Nicky Silver, the Wynnewood-born-and bred playwright whose edgy plays sometimes have seemingly nice or clueless people turning awful, had his Broadway debut Monday night with a solid, edgy play in which someone basically nice or clueless turns awful. In the case of "The Lyons," it's the son of a four-person nuclear family who becomes ballistic in a desperate search for the human connection that is the play's solid theme. But I'm making "The Lyons" sound far too serious; it's an outrageously funny comedy — at times, uncomfortably funny because Silver exploits a man's late-stage cancer for laughs.

With the days to Christmas dwindling, I'm beginning to feel desperate, even without the task of finding an Elmo. I'm growing desperate not so much because I have yet to purchase any gifts, but because I've already thrown myself into the roiling currents of humanity on similar missions and come up empty-handed. I'm not looking for the perfect gift, believe me, not exactly knowing what the perfect gift is, nor whether it could be gotten for money. Neither am I confronted with potential gifts missing from the shelves, having been beaten to the punch by more wily shoppers.

We who are tragically uncool, we who are majorly challenged, we who are without a clue are totally fortunate to have Cher explain it all to us. We're not talking Cher the singer of the past who now does infomercials. We're talking Cher Horowitz, the beauteous blonde Betty of Clueless, a fabulously funny Beverly Hills 90210 satire that is, go figure, a faithful update of Jane Austen's Emma. Update is the wrong word. Let's snag Cher's vocab. It's, like, a total makeover. It's also, like, totally, majorly, chronically funny.

You know, Mayor Rendell, having thought a bit about what you said Wednesday about your underlings' little stripper problem, it's dawned on us that we'd overlooked one of your more clueless comments. Of course, we were a bit distracted, since, as you pointed out so helpfully, "Things of this level of embarrassment happen weekly at The Inquirer. " In fact, just today the Editorial Board had the Chippendales in to entertain at a morning meeting, cutting short our discussion of the grotesque lack of judgment shown by the players in this fiasco, in which Licenses and Inspections official Frank Antico arranged for strippers to appear at a party thrown by Deputy Mayor Herb Vederman and Deputy Chief of Staff Ted Beitchman.

Meghan Schofield recalled the first day she stepped on a lacrosse field. "I was clueless," the Delran senior said. Schofield was equally clueless as to how she scored the goal earlier this season that made her the Bears' career scoring leader. "I guess I did it this year," she said when asked to recount the goal. "It was against Cherokee, but I don't really remember the goal. " The memory lapse speaks volumes on Schofield's attitude. She is the classic team player who did not list breaking Kim Beiker's scoring record as an objective this year, despite being eight goals shy entering the season.

When Alicia Silverstone says she hopes she's as loving and intelligent as Cher, she's not talking about the Oscar-winning, bellybutton-exhibiting ex- wife of Congressman Sonny Bono. She's referring to the character she plays in Clueless, the latest high-school comedy by Amy Heckerling, who directed that genre's classic Fast Times at Ridgemont High. "I think clueless is a really interesting word," the flaxen-haired young star says. "Everyone in the film is clueless, but I think Cher is completely not clueless.

Not buying it At work, I sometimes read the Daily News. Each time, I realize why I don't buy it. It is the most one-sided, liberal, pro-Democratic garbage one can read, not worth the two cents it costs to print. Now I know why the Daily News supported John Street for mayor and Al Gore for president. Like these two morons, you lack facts and are totally clueless. ANDREW MROZ, Philadelphia

Hoping to capitalize on the traditional December reliance on repeats by the networks, UPN is scheduling three specials during the month, including an hour-long look at the Spice Girls and a first-ever theme night. The Spice Girls special will air Dec. 2 and include interviews and clips from their new movie. UPN will let viewers pick episodes of its Tuesday night comedies to air on Dec. 9 and Dec. 16. As for the theme night, the common thread will be a snowstorm on "In the House," "Good News, "Clueless" and "Sparks.

The networks dump seven new series onto the schedule Tuesday and Wednesday. That's too much even for professional viewers. You amateurs really have your work cut out for you, as one of the most intensive season premiere weeks in TV history continues to unfold. The good news is you can set the clicker just about anywhere and not be forced to turn away in disgust. The comedies are affable. The dramas come in various shades of exciting and mysterious. The other good news is you could simply ignore the whole thing and still be in the loop at the water cooler.

Vick not persuasive I was shocked by your editorial yesterday calling Michael Vick's plea for forgiveness "convincing. " Give me a break! This is the same Vick who, when the search of his home was announced, said he was never at the house and didn't know what was going on there. When he was indicted, he proclaimed his innocence. Then his coconspirators started turning on him and he realized he couldn't possibly prove his innocence. Contrition became the better way to go. Amazingly, The Inquirer is na?ve enough to buy it. He is not remorseful for what he has done; he is remorseful for getting caught.

Nicky Silver, the Wynnewood-born-and bred playwright whose edgy plays sometimes have seemingly nice or clueless people turning awful, had his Broadway debut Monday night with a solid, edgy play in which someone basically nice or clueless turns awful. In the case of "The Lyons," it's the son of a four-person nuclear family who becomes ballistic in a desperate search for the human connection that is the play's solid theme. But I'm making "The Lyons" sound far too serious; it's an outrageously funny comedy — at times, uncomfortably funny because Silver exploits a man's late-stage cancer for laughs.

IN THE OPENING moments of "Safe House," rogue agent Denzel Washington endures bullets and waterboarding with the air of a man getting a spa treatment. He's relaxed and cool, and the audience laughs, because Washington wears his movie star history/charisma like armor. He wants his star stature to blend with his character - Tobin Frost, a celebrity in the CIA for having built its modern spy machine before he mysteriously went AWOL. Now Frost is back, and in possession of sensitive data that many intelligence agencies will kill to suppress.

WASHINGTON - A decade ago, Jon S. Corzine was a freshman U.S. senator whose financial expertise earned him a spot on the Senate Banking Committee, where he could grill those called to testify before Congress. On Thursday, Corzine was in the uncomfortable position of sitting in the witness seat, explaining to members of the House Agriculture Committee what had happened to $1.2 billion that farmers invested in his now-bankrupt financial firm, MF Global. Corzine, 64, New Jersey's former governor, looking drawn and somber through more than two hours of questioning, had a simple yet confounding answer: I don't know.

HAS THERE really been a lot of clamor for a sequel to "Johnny English," the middling 2003 James Bond spoof starring Rowan Atkinson? Probably not, but nonetheless, here's "Johnny English Reborn," like a wedding guest nobody can remember inviting. And while Atkinson, with his elastic eyebrows and not-quite-in-on-the-joke gaze, is always a pleasure, the movie feels unnecessary; a way to give some work to a handful of actors while waiting for a real movie to come along. Johnny English (Atkinson)

When it comes to planning for health-care costs in retirement, most Americans have little clue. A survey by Sun Life Financial, released this week, found that 92 percent of workers said they don't know how much their health care will cost in retirement or vastly underestimated the amount. Only 8 percent were in the correct range, estimating costs of $200,000 or more. In fact, a 65-year-old couple retiring this year will need $230,000, on average, to cover medical expenses in retirement, according to a separate Fidelity Investments study released in March.

THE LUNACY of what we pretend is government these days sank to another low with the appearance last week of Stephen Colbert before the House Judiciary Committee. His topic: Immigration. His expertise: He once stood next to hardworking fruit-pickers for a segment on his TV show. Our gripe isn't with Colbert, who cleverly brought his own brand of truthiness (and even a few truths) to the circus, such as his mock befuddlement that more Americans weren't clamoring to "begin an exciting career" in the fields.

The networks dump seven new series onto the schedule Tuesday and Wednesday. That's too much even for professional viewers. You amateurs really have your work cut out for you, as one of the most intensive season premiere weeks in TV history continues to unfold. The good news is you can set the clicker just about anywhere and not be forced to turn away in disgust. The comedies are affable. The dramas come in various shades of exciting and mysterious. The other good news is you could simply ignore the whole thing and still be in the loop at the water cooler.

Dear Amy: My husband has a friend whom he has known for 25-plus years; I will call him "Steven. " We live in a "vacation destination" town. Throughout the last 25 years, we have welcomed Steve for weekend visits. I put a lot of effort into preparing meals for him and believe I've been the best possible hostess. Steve has never reciprocated by bringing a gift or inviting us to stay in his home. He has never taken us to dinner. On his last visit with his fiancee to my home, while discussing with my husband his desire to downsize his living arrangements, Steve commented that he "didn't want to have a guest room, because then people just want to stay with you. " He made this comment with a glass of my wine in his hand and my handmade appetizers on his plate.

LOS ANGELES - Brittany Murphy, the actress who got her start in the sleeper hit "Clueless" and rose to stardom in "8 Mile," died yesterday in Los Angeles. She was 32. Cedars-Sinai Medical Center spokeswoman Sally Stewart said Murphy died at 10:04 a.m. She would not provide a cause of death or any other information. The Los Angeles Fire Department responded to a call at 8 a.m. yesterday at the home Murphy shared with her husband, British screenwriter Simon Monjack, in the West Hollywood hills.