Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with the man of my dreams for five years. Everything is great except for one huge thing - we are no longer intimate. I have recently come to the realization that this isn't the first time I have had this problem. I always thought it was an issue with the relationship, but now I suspect it may be linked to molestation I suffered when I was a child. At that time I was told "people who love you don't touch you like that. " Logically, I know this situation is different, but my partner tells me I just freeze up when we are together.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I decided to take some classes at a local community college. We both have college degrees, but there was a class we were interested in. We are the oldest students in the class by 10 to 20 years. I am irritated by our classmates' disrespect for the instructor. It takes the form of talking with each other when the instructor is speaking, then asking her to explain what she just discussed while they were talking. They sometimes get so loud that I can't hear what the teacher is saying.

  D   EAR ABBY: I'm married to the love of my life. Our 25th anniversary will be here soon. My issue is, my husband has a beard I cannot stand. It's long and unkempt, and makes him look 10 years older than he is. He keeps telling me about women and co-workers who tell him what a "nice full beard" he has. I don't care what these women think. I am withholding sex (which is very important to him) until he trims it, and no longer make eye contact with him because I can't stand looking at him. What should I do?

D EAR ABBY: Maybe you would like to pass this on to the parents of teenage boys. It worked for me when I had the sex talk with my sons. I knew their brains had not yet fully developed. They thought they were invincible and had an "it could never happen to me" attitude. Because money seems to be the one thing at that age they can relate to, I decided to turn it into a mathematical problem: I told them that if they got a girl pregnant, they could figure on a minimum of $300 a month child support, multiplied by 12 months for 18 years.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Wade," and I went into a convenience store that we frequent regularly. A new employee - a pretty, much younger girl - stared at Wade with recognition and surprise on her face. When I asked him what that was about, he said I was "imagining things. " The next time we saw her, Wade acted nervous and started talking fast, as if trying to distract me. He seemed to be avoiding eye contact with her. She ignored me while obviously trying to lock eyes with Wade.

DEAR ABBY: Before we met, my girlfriend got large breast implants. I think they're a terrible turnoff, but I don't know how to tell her. Should I try to overlook this because I love her, or can I tell her the truth about why our love life is sometimes not so hot? She walks around the house bare-chested and obviously thinks I find her breasts a big turn-on. I have faked it for five years. What should I do? - Not That Excited in Colorado DEAR NOT THAT EXCITED: Your letter is a lesson about the danger of "faking it. " Level with your girlfriend, but without using the words "terrible" and "turnoff.

DEAR ABBY: My hair falls nearly to my waist. Many of my friends, both male and female, have grown out their hair over the years and donated it to cancer charities. While I think it's a beautiful act of selflessness, I have never felt the calling to donate my hair. I have recently been criticized for wanting to keep my long hair for myself and have been called selfish and a hypocrite. Abby, cancer runs in my family. I donate money and volunteer for my local Relay for Life every year.

DEAR READERS: It's April Fools' Day, the day on which I share some offbeat letters and examples of readers' efforts to pull my leg. It's all in fun - so enjoy! DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married almost 10 years. The other day when I was doing the laundry, I discovered a red stain on his underwear. He said they were painting the bathroom at work and he had gotten paint on it when he used the facilities, but it looks more like lipstick to me. Can you tell me how to get the lipstick out of his shorts?

DEAR ABBY: There's this guy I like, "Joey. " My sister likes him, too. Joey and I are not dating, although we are very close friends. My sister (of course) decided to ask him out on a date. I'm so upset with her. It has been two days since their date and I'm still not talking to her. I can't believe she asked him out when she knew I was about to. I don't want to ruin our relationship, but Joey is now into her. Please give me some advice before I do something terribly wrong. - Can't take it in Florida DEAR CAN'T TAKE IT: If your sister jumped in knowing you were interested in Joey, it was sneaky and wrong.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother raising a 15-year-old son. For most of his life it has just been the two of us. I now regret that I put him in bed with me when he was a baby. As he grew older, I encouraged him to sleep in his own bed, but it would last only a few nights, and then he would sneak back into my room. I was married for three years when he was around 11, and he'd sneak into my husband's and my bedroom after we were asleep and sleep on a couch in there. His problem is he is terrified of the dark and believes in ghosts, monsters, etc. He says he has a phobia and I believe him. I tried getting a dog for him to sleep with and night-lights, but nothing worked.