Father Christmas

Mrs. Santa is missing. That's the word, at least, from Ernest R. Lilley Jr., spokesman for the Springfield Mall. She was last seen Dec. 6 at Springfield Mall's Breakfast with Santa. Photos from closed circuit security cameras have determined that Mrs. Santa was accosted at the mall by an unidentified man in black. To make matters worse, the mall has been informed that none other than Ebenezer Scrooge has kidnapped Mrs. Santa and is demanding a ransom for her safe return.

Sweden Post's new holiday stamps feature a blend of humor, tradition, and the postal debut of technology that may catch the attention of youngsters looking for gift ideas. The five stamps, all non-denominated for first-class postage and issued early this month, depict elves playing leap-frog, mailing letters, riding old-fashioned snow scooters and hauling Christmas trees. In a wry touch, the fifth stamp shows a modern elf clutching a sack of gifts and chatting on a cell phone. Many postal agencies have been including lighthearted themes in holiday designs, and some even are eschewing the solemn religious motifs.

Hare Franz looks elegant in his flowered waistcoat and corduroy pants, a small, brown leather pouch dangling from his paw. Standing up to his full 3-foot height, long pointed ears tipped forward, he looks as if he were about to step out for a morning stroll. He seems quite real, though of course he isn't. Hare Franz is just one of the characters that populate the mind of artist Carol Marker, who creates him and other rabbits, Country Santas, and witches in a two-story studio known as the Sunday House that was built by her husband, Richard, across from their rambling old farmhouse in Boyertown, Berks County.

Zsa Zsa Gabor was named "Most Recognizable Whiner of 1989," announced Kevin Zaborney, founder of National Whiners Day, which was yesterday. "The biggest reason why she's number one is because she whined how she was wronged by the court and others," he said. "This was seen by many as a selfish way for her to get free publicity. " Runners-up in the poll, in which a scant 45 people were consulted, were Bryant Gumbel, Nancy Reagan, Sen. Jesse Helms and Tammy Faye Bakker. What star's movies made the most money in the 1980s?

In a stroke of film releasing that borders on the sadistic, Ernest Saves Christmas has arrived in theaters in plenty of time to spoil Thanksgiving as well. I'm not sure where Ernest P. Worrell belongs in the calendar, but on the dreadful evidence of his second outing, Lent would seem to be the right place. If the holiday season brings us anything else approaching the dreary and forced cheer of Ernest Saves Christmas, we might as well turn in our charge cards and forget the whole thing.

Robert R. Neidig, 67, of Erial, whose white beard, stocky build, and festive red suit brought Christmas joy and hope to the pediatrics floor of Cooper University Hospital, died Feb. 10 at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital following a fall at his home. "He doesn't put on a costume. He is Santa," said Barbara McCarty, child life coordinator at Cooper, who scheduled Mr. Neidig's holiday visits for 15 years. "He was a jolly soul," McCarty said. "He didn't need a fake belly, and he had the beard.

WHAT WOULD Santa drink? Listen, kids, contrary to the tales Mom and Dad told you, Father Christmas did not get that round belly and red nose from gulping down glasses of skim milk. Not to destroy your innocent visions of sugar plums and candy canes, but when it comes to treats on a long winter's night, if it's all the same to you, Santa Claus would rather have a beer. Sacrilege, you say? The very symbol of childhood innocence guzzling alcohol? What's next, Frosty the Snowman doing Jell-O shots?

Play it back in your mind, and music is what gave texture to Christmas Past: The Robert Shaw Chorale spinning joyously on the stereo, Der Bingle crooning of a dreamy "White Christmas," Mitch Miller and the Gang ripping through a robust "Sleigh Ride," filling the house with the rich, resonant sounds of the season. Music is still the wrapping around the Christmas tree, but like everything else in the '80s, tradition has been stretched and scrunched and squeezed and shaped in a thousand different ways.

It all began one cold winter night in Camden a long, long time ago. N. John Amato, then a young husband and father, heard a knock on his front door. He answered it to find on his doorstep a jolly man dressed as Santa. So jolly was the would-be Kris Kringle that his cheeks were in fact a bit too red, his laugh too hearty. "He was tipsy," Amato recalled recently in his Brooklyn accent, still thick after all these South Jersey years. "I said, 'Never again.' " Offended by that subpar Santa, who was knocking on doors for some unknown reason, Amato vowed to right the wrong himself, even if he had to rely upon a fake beard.

After the war, it was a lean time for Bill D. Young. Having served several naval tours of duty during World War II, Young had found work teaching woodshop at a Linden, N.J., high school. His wife, Elsie, was having babies. "We were poor as church mice," she remembers. So Young found a branch, fashioned a tiny Santa Claus with a paring knife, and gave it to Elsie on Christmas Day 1948. She was overcome with emotion. "When you're that poor, little things mean a lot," said Elsie, who is now 77. "And of course romance was quite new after the war. " Bill, who is two weeks younger than Elsie, has hand-carved a statuette for his wife every Christmas since that first astonishing Santa.

Robert R. Neidig, 67, of Erial, whose white beard, stocky build, and festive red suit brought Christmas joy and hope to the pediatrics floor of Cooper University Hospital, died Feb. 10 at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital following a fall at his home. "He doesn't put on a costume. He is Santa," said Barbara McCarty, child life coordinator at Cooper, who scheduled Mr. Neidig's holiday visits for 15 years. "He was a jolly soul," McCarty said. "He didn't need a fake belly, and he had the beard.

WHAT WOULD Santa drink? Listen, kids, contrary to the tales Mom and Dad told you, Father Christmas did not get that round belly and red nose from gulping down glasses of skim milk. Not to destroy your innocent visions of sugar plums and candy canes, but when it comes to treats on a long winter's night, if it's all the same to you, Santa Claus would rather have a beer. Sacrilege, you say? The very symbol of childhood innocence guzzling alcohol? What's next, Frosty the Snowman doing Jell-O shots?

Special Events AIDS Memorial Quilt Display Panels from the AIDS Memorial Quilt on display to commemorate World AIDS Day. William Way Community Center, 1315 Spruce St.; 215-732-2220. www.waygay.org . 12/1 11 am-6 pm. Al-Bustan Seeds of Culture: Annual Celebration Mideast Ensemble, singer Alsarah, the Al-Bustan Percussion Ensemble, silent auction & interactive demonstrations. 267-809-3668. Houston Hall, 3417 Spruce St.; 267-809-3668. www.albustanseeds.org . $10-$50.

Sweden Post's new holiday stamps feature a blend of humor, tradition, and the postal debut of technology that may catch the attention of youngsters looking for gift ideas. The five stamps, all non-denominated for first-class postage and issued early this month, depict elves playing leap-frog, mailing letters, riding old-fashioned snow scooters and hauling Christmas trees. In a wry touch, the fifth stamp shows a modern elf clutching a sack of gifts and chatting on a cell phone. Many postal agencies have been including lighthearted themes in holiday designs, and some even are eschewing the solemn religious motifs.

It all began one cold winter night in Camden a long, long time ago. N. John Amato, then a young husband and father, heard a knock on his front door. He answered it to find on his doorstep a jolly man dressed as Santa. So jolly was the would-be Kris Kringle that his cheeks were in fact a bit too red, his laugh too hearty. "He was tipsy," Amato recalled recently in his Brooklyn accent, still thick after all these South Jersey years. "I said, 'Never again.' " Offended by that subpar Santa, who was knocking on doors for some unknown reason, Amato vowed to right the wrong himself, even if he had to rely upon a fake beard.

Bob Phillips talks about his mother and childhood memories of Christmas and starts to cry. He describes how a young girl asked him to bring back her absent father, and again his eyes fill with tears. Phillips undeniably wears his heart on his sleeve - an appropriate attribute for someone whose sleeve is red velvet and trimmed with white fur at this time of year. The 66-year-old retired advertising executive portrays Santa Claus at the Oxford Valley Mall in Langhorne. He appears at QVC's Toyland in West Chester and at Commerce Bank corporate parties in Cherry Hill.

Hare Franz looks elegant in his flowered waistcoat and corduroy pants, a small, brown leather pouch dangling from his paw. Standing up to his full 3-foot height, long pointed ears tipped forward, he looks as if he were about to step out for a morning stroll. He seems quite real, though of course he isn't. Hare Franz is just one of the characters that populate the mind of artist Carol Marker, who creates him and other rabbits, Country Santas, and witches in a two-story studio known as the Sunday House that was built by her husband, Richard, across from their rambling old farmhouse in Boyertown, Berks County.

The whole thing started when John Kearney decided to grow a beard. To his surprise, it came in white. That was in 1982, when Kearney was working as the president of a bank and the hair on his head, for the most part, was a youthful shade of reddish brown. But the beard was snow white, and it wasn't long before someone asked if Kearney would mind playing Santa Claus. "So I did, and it was fun, and that launched my career," he said. Now 74, he is long since retired from his job as a banker, but he could probably use a secretary to help schedule his time from mid-November through Christmas, particularly on weekends, which start getting booked as early as summer.

There will be a special dividend for visitors to the 45th annual Penn Valley Antiques Show this Saturday and Sunday at the Philadelphia Marriott West in Conshohocken, Montgomery County. Free oral appraisals on privately owned heirlooms will be offered Saturday from 2 to 5 p.m. by West Chester auctioneer and authority William Bunch. On Sunday from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m., free appraisals will be rendered by Ed Weissman, owner of the Antiquarian Antique Shop in New Hampshire, and Rochelle Eisenberg of Ambler, expert appraiser for the Chubb Radio Show.

After the war, it was a lean time for Bill D. Young. Having served several naval tours of duty during World War II, Young had found work teaching woodshop at a Linden, N.J., high school. His wife, Elsie, was having babies. "We were poor as church mice," she remembers. So Young found a branch, fashioned a tiny Santa Claus with a paring knife, and gave it to Elsie on Christmas Day 1948. She was overcome with emotion. "When you're that poor, little things mean a lot," said Elsie, who is now 77. "And of course romance was quite new after the war. " Bill, who is two weeks younger than Elsie, has hand-carved a statuette for his wife every Christmas since that first astonishing Santa.