Jesse James

Everything about The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford is longer than it needs to be. Its title, for one thing. Its duration - two hours and 40 minutes! - for another. But mostly its excruciatingly deliberate pace makes you wonder if Andrew Dominik's film, as spare as it is self-important, intentionally unfolds in narrative slow-mo. On the plus side, Brad Pitt's turn as the fastest (and most paranoid) gun in the West and that of Casey Affleck, as James' starstruck fan and killer, are sharp.

IN HOLLYWOOD, Sandra Bullock has long been considered a shrewd businesswoman, well-suited to managing her career and her fortune. It should therefore come as no surprise that she and Jesse James have a prenup. RadarOnline.com says it specifically states that he gets no money in a divorce if he cheats during their marriage. Since Jesse reportedly admitted to Sandra to cheating with seven women and went to sex-addiction rehab to deal with his philandering, it should not take a team of lawyers to bust him. But does she get a refund?

WHEN NEWS BEGAN to flow like sewage that Sandra Bullock's husband, Jesse James, was a dog, the first response from so many people (at least on Facebook) was, "I hope it's not true" or "I thought he was different. " Well, it is and he's not. James yesterday said he was sorry for the pain and embarrassment he's caused Sandra and his three children from previous relationships. He told People magazine in a statement yesterday that he exhibited "poor judgment" and "I deserve everything bad that is coming my way. " Huh?

The story of Jesse James is an evergreen, retrimmed for every generation. The Confederate bushwhacker-turned-bank-robber-turned-Robin Hood has been framed as antihero (Jesse James, starring Tyrone Power), brave soldier (Audie Murphy in Kansas Raiders), rebel and rivalrous sibling (James Keach in The Long Riders), and folk hero and antigovernment activist (Robert Duvall in The Great Northfield Minnesota Raid). In his latest reincarnation, with Colin Farrell as the studly sharpshooter in American Outlaws, juicy Jesse is a male centerfold, mama's boy and Confederate idealist coerced into bank robbery by a conspiracy of Northern real estate speculators, railroad barons, and hired guns.

THE WORLD is in crisis. Greece is in a financial meltdown. Jamaica is under military rule. Jesse James cheated on Sandra Bullock. The U.S. is overspending. We owe China trillions. North Korea sank a South Korean warship. North Korea will be isolated and asking China for help. China is out for itself, and I don't know why the U.S. got involved with them. Secret plans implemented by Gen. Petraeus say that special-operations troops can be sent to the Middle East, Central Asia and the Horn of Africa, involving Iran, Saudi Arabia, Somalia and other countries that are against us. These documents should have remained secret.

There was a moment last month, after the premiere of The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford at the Toronto International Film Festival, when Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie looked like they were going to be swallowed by the crowd. Literally. Their getaway limo was ringed by squawking, bawling fans, faces pressed to the car window, flashbulbs flaring, cell-phone cameras going crazy, the streets jammed, traffic at a standstill. It was like something out of, well, a movie.

MICHELLE "BOMBSHELL" McGEE , the tattooed trollop who slept with Sandra Bullock 's then-husband, Jesse James , will pillow-fight Delaware County tattoo model Rita Rampage on Friday at the Deck (101 Taylor) in Essington. The event is the first of the new Pillow Fighting League and features three other bouts. Who could possibly be behind such a ridiculous event? You guessed it . . . Damon Feldman . Feldman is not legally allowed to promote boxing events in Pennsylvania after being convicted of promoting fights without a license, but pillow fighting is not yet regulated by the state.

We're going to get a look at "the dirty little coward" who shot Jesse James in NBC's Sunday night movie (Channel 3 at 9), "The Last Days of Frank and Jesse James. " But do we really need another film about the notorious outlaws of the 1800s? Two famed country stars, Kris Kristofferson and Johnny Cash, co-star as Jesse and Frank, respectively. What's amusing about this casting is that both actors have poker faces - you can't tell what either one is feeling or thinking. The story begins with a young kid running out of a house shouting, "I just killed Jesse James!"

DNA testing has rewritten the history of crime-fighting. With current techniques, it's possible for an individual person to be differentiated from all the people who have ever lived, just by using DNA from a single hair root. DNA now plays a critical role in criminal investigations; even long-cold cases have finally been solved after years with no leads or viable suspects. And thanks to the marvels of DNA testing, 65 people who were wrongly convicted have been freed in the United States - including some notorious death-row cases.

MICHELLE "BOMBSHELL" McGEE , the tattooed trollop who slept with Sandra Bullock 's then-husband, Jesse James , will pillow-fight Delaware County tattoo model Rita Rampage on Friday at the Deck (101 Taylor) in Essington. The event is the first of the new Pillow Fighting League and features three other bouts. Who could possibly be behind such a ridiculous event? You guessed it . . . Damon Feldman . Feldman is not legally allowed to promote boxing events in Pennsylvania after being convicted of promoting fights without a license, but pillow fighting is not yet regulated by the state.

IF THE ORIGINAL Black Sabbath can reunite for a new album, why not Eddie Van Halen and David Lee Roth ? Billboard.com reports that Van Halen (the band) will sign with Interscope Records and release its first album with Roth since 1984. Think of it as a supplement to social security. The Hollywood Reporter had originally reported that the band was going to join Columbia Records, but a source said that Interscope chairman "heard the band was available and wanted to work with them.

Former first daughter Chelsea Clinton , who throughout her young life has assiduously ducked reporters and cameras, has signed on as a special correspondent with NBC. Clinton, 31, is expected to contribute to NBC Nightly News and to Rock Center With Brian Williams , focusing primarily on how volunteers make an impact in this country and others. "I have long been impressed that Brian and his team at NBC place consistent importance on sharing stories of empowerment that in turn, help empower other people and families," said Clinton.

About 150 friends and relatives of Amy Winehouse said an emotional farewell to the addiction-plagued singer with the soulful, sadly rich voice during her funeral Tuesday in London. Several female mourners, including media personality Kelly Osbourne , wore their hair in the beehive style Winehouse favored. The singer's father, Mitch Winehouse , gave the eulogy, ending with the words "Goodnight, my angel, sleep tight. Mummy and Daddy love you ever so much. " The Press Association news agency reported that Mitch Winehouse said his daughter was trying to overcome her addictions because she couldn't stand the pain it was causing her family.

Charlie Sheen will never get his job back now: The Warlock has been replaced on Two and a Half Men . CBS on Friday said the show will now belong to Ashton Kutcher , the winning star who has assayed big roles in film, TV - and in wife Demi Moore 's heart. "I can't replace Charlie Sheen but I'm going to work my [derriere] off to entertain the hell out of people," Ashton says in a statement. How long before the ever-aggressive go-getter Demi shows up as a regular guest star?

Fans are thankful Charlie Sheen , 45, finally is in rehab - for what TMZ reports is a marathon three-month stay. The rest of the world is cashing in on the news. Porn star Kacey Jordan , who says she was with Charlie on Friday, literally cashed in: Seems he paid her $30,000 to party with him. She wasn't Charlie's only date. Michelle "Bombshell" McGee , famous for breaking up the Jesse James - Sandra Bullock fantasy of a marriage, says she was also there - as was $20,000 worth of cocaine.

AS TATTLE generally can't remember the celebrity shenanigans we've written about moments after the column has been filed to the copy desk, we're not sure how putting together a Year in Tattle will work without leaving pieces of our brain matter all over the soon-to-be-replaced Etch-a-Sketch we call a computer. But here goes: Was celebrity behavior worse in 2010? Hard as it is to believe, maybe. Granted, every year Charlie Sheen does something ridiculous and self-destructive, but in 2010 he really brought his A(-hole)

FOURTEEN Pennsylvania Ballet dancers will attend the "Black Swan" screening that's opening the 19th Philadelphia Film Festival at 8 p.m. Thursday at the Annenberg Center (3680 Walnut). The dancers are featured in the Darren Aronofsky ("The Wrestler," "Requiem for a Dream") film, a thriller set in the competitive world of ballet and starring Natalie Portman , Mila Kunis and Winona Ryder . The dancers shot their scenes at SUNY Purchase in January. Daily News Sexy Single Barette Vance is one of the Pennsylvania Ballet dancers in the film, as are Abigail Mentzer , Adrianna de Svastich , Andre Vytoptov , Holly Lynn Fusco, Ian Hussey , Kaia Annika Tack , Laura Bowman , Lauren Fadeley, Lillian DiPiazza , Megan Dickinson , Rachel Jambois , Ryoko Sadoshima and Sergio Torrado . The dancers shot various ballet-studio and performance scenes choreographed by Benjamin Millepied . The film festival runs through Oct. 24. A full film schedule and tickets are available at pff10.

'I know you'll be as gentle and pleasant as you can be," the sheriff says to his trusted deputy, Lou Ford, dispatching him to warn off a woman of ill repute who has set up business in a bungalow on the edge of town. Right. In The Killer Inside Me , a brutally compelling noir based on pulp god Jim Thompson's 1952 novel, Lou Ford's gentle and pleasant demeanor only goes so far. He'll tip his Stetson and greet the citizens of Central City with a "Howdy, ma'am" or a "Good morning," and he'll sit at home at the end of the day listening to Mahler and Donizetti, and he'll narrate his story in a soft-spoken voice-over that seduces the audience, all twangy and calm.

THE WORLD is in crisis. Greece is in a financial meltdown. Jamaica is under military rule. Jesse James cheated on Sandra Bullock. The U.S. is overspending. We owe China trillions. North Korea sank a South Korean warship. North Korea will be isolated and asking China for help. China is out for itself, and I don't know why the U.S. got involved with them. Secret plans implemented by Gen. Petraeus say that special-operations troops can be sent to the Middle East, Central Asia and the Horn of Africa, involving Iran, Saudi Arabia, Somalia and other countries that are against us. These documents should have remained secret.