Jokes

IF THE January/February issue of Playboy (each of Lindsay Lohan 's breasts gets its own month) is selling well in Philadelphia, it may not be because of Lindsay's faux Marilyn Monroe pictorial, but because of Pat Jordan 's "Nightmare on South Beach" story (yes, Tattle gets Playboy for the articles) about Fox 29 weatherman John Bolaris . As readers of the Daily News know from 24/7 Dan Gross ' story and Brad Guigar 's terrific comic in our May 10, 2011, edition, Bolaris had a little trouble down South with a pair of Estonian women who got Bolaris Estoned and then ripped him off - twice.

As jokes go it was a dumb one, even for City Councilman Thacher Longstreth, a connoisseur of cornball humor and practical pranks, and a target of jokes aimed at tall people, Quakers and argyle socks. Still, Longstreth's offhand wisecrack about a "Puerto Rican fireman" to Republican mayoral candidate Frank L. Rizzo, reported in Sunday's Inquirer Magazine, was elevated yesterday to a full-fledged feud over taste and race relations in the mayoral campaign. In a letter to Longstreth, City Councilman Angel Ortiz lambasted the "cruel" remark, and said it echoed the ethnic insensitivity that would flourish if Rizzo defeats Mayor Goode in November.

Ah, children. How often they fail to meet our expectations, yet we love 'em just the same. "You throws the dice," says Walter Gold, the paterfamilias in Jonathan Tolins' new comedy-drama at the Booth Theatre, "and you takes your chances. " But what if you didn't have to take your chances? What if, through prenatal genetic testing, you could identify your kids' predispositions in utero? What if, for instance, you could predict with near-certainty that your son-to-be will grow up (gasp!

His and Hers, the smarmy little sitcom premiering tonight on CBS (Channel 10 at 10:30), stars Martin Mull and Stephanie Faracy. He and she should keep it to themselves. Tonight's riotous theme is getting pregnant. Marty and Steph, newly married marriage counselors, have been trying for six months to no avail. The jokes come from the sperm-count genre: "Your little guys aren't swimming," says the cutie-pie Faracy to Mull. "They're just sort of paddling in place. " Help me, my ribs are aching.

A statue of Jesus Christ carrying an enormous wooden cross has sparked laughter and some controversy at Princeton Theological Seminary, a school where future ministers are trained. Students say that the statue, which is on loan from a nearby church for the year, has been the subject of many campus jokes and pranks. The statue portrays a bent, off-balance Christ lumbering under the weight of a gigantic cross. The face of the steel figure grimaces from the burden, while its outstretched hand appears to point to something in the distance.

Heeeere's Johnny, up to his tort in a $5 million lawsuit by a Long Island dentist who doesn't think the dentist jokes told by the talk show king are funny. Johnny Carson hit a nerve, says Melville, N.Y., dentist Michael Mendelson in papers filed in Manhattan Supreme Court yesterday, when he told viewers of his April 18, 1986, show: "Imagine dentists going out of business. I haven't been so happy about a group disbanding since the Gestapo. " Mendelson fired off a letter to Carson demanding a "smirk-free public apology.

When it seems as if the world is too exhausting to keep up with or too frightening, as it has been lately, it's time to turn to a favorite source of chuckles - our national politicians. It's no longer Washington's little secret, but those late-night TV talk-show hosts wield enormous power. And they wield it relentlessly, night after night. All political consultants tell their bosses here that too long a stretch as the butt of jokes by a Conan O'Brien or a Jay Leno (it used to be called the Johnny Carson rule of politics)

University of Pennsylvania orthopedic surgeon John D. Kelly IV says the monthly humor column he writes for a medical trade magazine was due, so he "threw some jokes together" about fat patients. "You should worry about performing surgery on the supersized," Kelly riffed in that August piece, if "there is a comma in your patient's body weight. " Or if a patient "wears his wristwatch on his finger," needs "a blood pressure cuff the size of Montana," or "has more chins than a Chinese phone book.

In I Hate Hamlet, which opened April 8 at the Walter Kerr Theater, the jokes racket across the footlights like automatic-weapons fire - good jokes and bad jokes, old jokes and new jokes, New York jokes and California jokes, sex jokes and no-sex jokes, theater jokes and - well, more theater jokes. Many more theater jokes. Will the show play in Peoria? Shoot, it's so inbred that it could barely play the East Side. Still, Paul Rudnick's new comedy is fun while the jokes hold out, which is roughly one act. The cast is agreeable, the premise amusing.

Before Jerry Seinfeld brings his standup to Broadway this summer, he'll fine-tune the act with an out-of-town stint - way out of town. According to sources familiar with the comic's plan, he'll perform in such locations as Iceland and London as a warmup to his limited Broadway run. The show, titled "I'm Telling You for the Last Time," is scheduled to hit New York for a four- or five-day run in August, culminating with an Aug. 9 live telecast...

With warm weather bringing out swimsuits, it's time to think about fitness, and a return to the gym. So there I was at the gym, and there it was, up against the wall, a gleaming new machine I hit hard for half-an-hour. It had everything I wanted: Snickers, M&Ms, Three Musketeers, Babe Ruth, Butterfingers, Skittles, iced tea (uh-oh) ... Summer brings not only swimsuit (and Hawaiian shirt) weather, but also the Stu Bykofsky Candidates Comedy Night, steaming into its 22nd year in August.

Thespian's thespian Robert De Niro , 68, has issued a mea culpa for a joke he made at a Democratic fund-raiser Monday in New York. The Taxi Driver star made an off-putting quip when he introduced first lady Michelle Obama . Referring to wives of current GOP prez hopefuls, De Niro said, " Callista Gingrich , Karen Santorum , Ann Romney . Now do you really think our country is ready for a white first lady? Too soon, right?" Newt Gingrich called the joke "divisive.

Even New York Mets general manager Sandy Alderson can't resist pointing out the team's financial woes. The team tweeted Thursday afternoon that Alderson had started a Twitter account, @MetsGM. Alderson's first tweet: "Getting ready for Spring Training-Driving to FL but haven't left yet. Big fundraiser tonight for gas money. Also exploring PAC contribution. " Mets spokesman Jay Horwitz said Alderson was playfully responding to a New York paper pointing out the GM was driving to Port St. Lucie, Fla., but Horwitz said Alderson drives because he takes his dog. Coming off their third straight losing record, the Mets have cut payroll by about $25 million since the start of 2011, and face a trial next month seeking to recover $386 million for victims of Bernard Madoff , because of claims the team's owners were net winners from their investment in the crooked financier's Ponzi scheme.

Veronica, who recently celebrated her 12th birthday, loves making jokes and listening to them. Hearing a good joke elicits her charming smile and delightful laugh. Sociable and outgoing, Veronica has a large circle of friends. Although she can be shy when first meeting people, she soon warms up. She enjoys singing and performing tunes with her sisters. Other favorite pastimes include playing with her dolls and swimming. In school Veronica receives special-education services and responds well to the individual teaching she receives.

TO BORROW a line from one local wag, Philadelphia Traffic Court so resembles a comedy club that it should require a two-drink minimum. Except it's hard to laugh. Consider Court Comedy Club's headliner, Willie Singletary. Yesterday, the state Supreme Court relieved him from any and all judicial and administrative responsibilities as a judge of Traffic Court, and suspended him without pay. Singletary was escorted out of court last year after a female staffer claimed he had shown her pictures of his genitals.

IF THE January/February issue of Playboy (each of Lindsay Lohan 's breasts gets its own month) is selling well in Philadelphia, it may not be because of Lindsay's faux Marilyn Monroe pictorial, but because of Pat Jordan 's "Nightmare on South Beach" story (yes, Tattle gets Playboy for the articles) about Fox 29 weatherman John Bolaris . As readers of the Daily News know from 24/7 Dan Gross ' story and Brad Guigar 's terrific comic in our May 10, 2011, edition, Bolaris had a little trouble down South with a pair of Estonian women who got Bolaris Estoned and then ripped him off - twice.

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. - When Wyoming defensive end Gabe Knapton is around teammates, nothing is off-limits. The fifth-year senior likes to make fun of and play pranks on his fellow Cowboys. Most of Knapton's actions produce laughter, followed by a pause - did he just do that? The way Knapton plays, however, is no joke. The 6-foot-3, 263-pounder will have Temple's full attention in Saturday's New Mexico Bowl, which kicks off at 2 p.m. here at University Stadium. Temple is a seven-point favorite playing in its second bowl game in three years.

WHOA. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Before you go all "We Are" on everyone, consider that it could have been worse. You . . . Me . . . . . . Detroit. As late as yesterday afternoon, no less a sage than Jerry Palm of CollegeBCS.com called it a real possibility, that Jerry Sandusky's alleged misdeeds, and a lack of good ones on the part of Joe Paterno and Penn State brass, would flush the Lions' 9-3 season to literally the last Big Ten bowl invite available - The Little Caesars Pizza Bowl on Dec. 27. So chill a little now that your unfairly bewitched football team heads to Dallas for a Jan. 2 bowl against a Houston team that until Saturday had a single-digit ranking and a chance to play in a BCS bowl.

DEAR ABBY: I have been battling breast cancer and have been blessed to have a lot of support from family, friends and some awesome medical providers. My husband's best friend and his wife socialize with us quite often, and the friendship is important to him. I recently celebrated a birthday and these friends had us over for a belated birthday dinner. They bought me beautiful flowers and a gift. The card attached made a joke about my "aging breasts," which she found quite funny. Abby, I had a mastectomy, which she knew about!

UNLIKE W.C. FIELDS, comedian Michael Ian Black really would rather be in Philadelphia. "Philly is my favorite city in the entire world," he told us in a recent phone chat. "I say that about every city. But this time I mean it. . . . But I say I mean it during every interview. " Despite the sarcasm, Black did choose Philly's Trocadero as the site for his first Comedy Central special, "Very Famous," filming two shows there last March that aired in August. He returns to the scene of the crime on Friday to perform once again.