Katie Holmes

It should be clear by now that I know nothing about love or marriage. But about divorce, I'm an expert. Or so I thought. Ask me anything, I used to think. I could've written a book. In fact, I always thought I would or I had, like 20, but never mind, I've come to understand I don't know anything about love, marriage, or even divorce. The reasons? Tom and Katie. Let me begin at the beginning. I'm a Tom Cruise fan, and so is daughter Francesca.

There were two highly anticipated star turns on TV this week. Both were disappointing. Sarah Palin's appearance on Saturday Night Live has been dissected to death. But how about Mrs. Cruise, a.k.a. Katie Holmes, on Eli Stone? The Dawson's Creek alumna first appeared in one of Eli's "visions" (or, as I call them, music videos) as a glamorous chanteuse singing Duke Ellington. Holmes was supposed to be like Marilyn Monroe, but she came off more like a bad Edie Adams. In her character's real life, she was a meek, klutzy attorney.

Expect to gorge on months of sleazy TomKat divorce news? Wise up: That most awesome breakup circus sideshow is tragically over. Katie Holmes ' lawyer, Jonathan Wolfe , on Monday said the duo had reached a civil, perhaps even pleasant solution to their sham, er, loving marriage. What's more, in a joint statement TomKat masterfully shut down all the chatter about the fate of daughter Suri , 6, whose level of exposure to Tom's faith, Scientology, was an issue in the breakup.

SOME STORIES are hard to believe but you hope they're true. Others are equally hard to believe, but you hope they're not true. We know Katie Holmes is a sweet, naive girl from Ohio, but this latest story from the upcoming Star has her leaving naive and crossing the border into stupid. The paper says Holmes was recently shocked when love-of-her-life Tom Cruise asked her to sign a prenup. "She's freaked out," the Star source says. "I think she thought it meant that he wasn't sure their relationship would last.

Is the Church of Scientology to blame for the collapse of the TomKat corporeal merger? The Los Angeles Times says Dawson's Creek sweetie turned Tom Cruise vassal Katie Holmes , 33, left her man in part because she felt the church controlled her life. Literally: Celebuzz says TomKat's household staff is handpicked by the church, which also dictates Tom's work decisions. Things came to a head, says TMZ, when Tom insisted their daughter, Suri , 6, be sent to live at Sea Org, a reportedly boot-camplike center where kids get an intensive course in L. Ron Hubbard 's teachings.

IT MUST HAVE been hard living in the shadow of "Mission: Impossible" star Tom Cruise. But the proverbial final straw, the thing that may have prompted Katie Holmes to file for divorce from Cruise, may have been the latter's reported insistence on sending the couple's daughter, Suri, to a boot-camp-style program designed to indoctrinate her in the teachings of Scientology. Cruise is said to be a big fan of Sea Org, as it's known. Humph. Ain't no man worth all that. If reports that that is what's behind the split are accurate, it's no wonder why Katie Holmes finally packed her things and moved into a new New York City apartment with her 6-year-old daughter.

Tattle was kind of hoping a contentious divorce between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes would provide column fodder for the entire summer (like a Kardashian divorce except with people who do something), but the couple foiled our plans and reached a settlement on Monday, legally sorting out their divorce faster than Tom could jump on Oprah's couch. So it should be clear to everyone that this was all worked out before they got married? "The case has been settled and the agreement has been signed," Holmes' attorney, Jonathan Wolfe, said in a statement.

A new wave of baby-making has hit Celebdom this week. Claire Danes and her Brit man, Martha Marcy May Marlene star Hugh Dancy, 37, will celebrate their third wedding anniversary in September, and they tell People mag they are expecting their first child. The pregnancy will not affect shooting on the second season of Danes' terrorism spy show, Homeland. Bongo player and thesp Matthew McConaughey, 42, who wed Brazilian-born model Camila Alves, 29, only last month, says the couple are expecting their third child.

Katie Holmes is again in the arms of the Catholic Church she left to join the Scientology of husband Tom Cruise. Now that TomKat are splitting up, Kat has signed up at the Parish of St. Francis Xavier in Manhattan. This tends to corroborate, though not prove, that religion was involved in the split, specifically the faith in which daughter Suri, 6, will be raised. Tom tends to marry Catholics: think of his second wife, Nicole Kidman. He learned about Scientology from his first wife, Mimi Rogers.

6 tonight BET The 10th anniversary of this popular music countdown show, which has hosted celebrities as varied as Katie Holmes and Denzel Washington. Bow Wow (right) and Nelly help celebrate.

Everybody wants to date Kate. Well, maybe not everybody, but a lot of guys working on Katie Holmes ' new flick Mania Days apparently have warm feelings for the fair Kate, the New York Post reports. A source tells the Post that Katie, 34, has received seven offers to step out: "They were crew members and extras just chancing it. It really got on the nerves of director Paul Dalio . Needless to say, she said no to everyone," the source said. Holmes has been unattached since sundering last year from Tom Cruise . The only mushy stuff for Kate has been strictly business, with costar Luke Kirby . They play manic depressives who fall in love in a psychiatric hospital.

AT 34, Katie Holmes already has an old-beyond-her-years edge because of the whole marriage and a kid with Tom Cruise thing. In 2013, we predict Katie will date an age-appropriate actor (as opposed to her 50-year-old ex) looking to up his celeb status. Think Michael Fassbender or Bradley Cooper . Either that, or she'll go the Uma Thurman route, marry a billionaire and slowly fade from public view. * Cruise, on the other hand, will "date" a younger woman, this time less well known than Holmes so as to avoid any embarrassing media snafus when their relationship comes to its inevitable end. In fact, there are already rumors he's hooking up again.

She was in the audience taking in his virile rappin' Sunday at the Revel in Atlantic City when he singled her out. "Stop the music," said Kanye West . "Can you make some noise for my baby mama?" West, 35, said from the stage, spilling their secret: They're expecting a bairn!!! Kim Kardashian was as shocked as the fans. She recovered. "It's true!! Kanye and I are expecting a baby," Kim posted on her website. "We feel so blessed and lucky and wish that in addition to both of our families, his mom and my dad could be here to celebrate this special time with us. " Her sis Kourtney was joyous.

In a radical, heretofore inconceivable life lesson, Kelly Osbourne tells Cosmopolitan Body mag that her recent 60-pound weight loss has made her look good but did not necessarily make her happy. "People think I lost weight and that's what made me happier. That's not true: I had to learn to love myself first," says Kelly, 28, who also is happy to be with beau Matthew Mosshart . "That was one of the scariest times of my life," Kelly says. "I swear I've never felt more naked, because I had to actually be me and couldn't mask it. "   Katie Holmes is fallible Katie Holmes plugged her Broadway play, Dead Accounts , on the Late Show With David Letterman , Thursday night by admitting she forgot her lines during a performance.

A study posted Thursday on the online journal BMJ Open ( http://bmjopen.bmj.com/ ) suggests music stars are nearly twice as likely to die before the average life expectancy as the general population. Researchers looked closely "at patterns among 1,489 pop and rock stars from Europe and North America who became famous between 1956 and 2006," says USA Today. Of those, 137, or 9.2 percent, had died by early 2012. Suicide, drug overdose, gunplay. . . . The study adds that solo artists are more likely to die early than members of a band.

OH, TO have been a fly on the wall at last weekend's Made in America Festival when Kim Kardashian crossed paths with Beyonce . They're feuding. A source told the New York Daily News , "Kim and Beyonce barely spoke to each other. " Complicating the matter is the fact that Kardashian's man of the moment, Kanye West , is a good friend of Beyonce's husband, Jay-Z . The paper's source also said, "They were on opposite sides of the stage. Beyonce didn't even acknowledge [Kardashian] was there until the concert was almost over.

The Church of Scientology has blasted a report that before Tom Cruise began dating Katie Holmes in 2005, he was set up with a woman chosen by church officials. Maureen Orth 's story, set to appear in October's Vanity Fair and excerpted by the New York Daily News, says the church auditioned possible candidates in 2004 for a role as Cruise's wife. Orth says the women, all church members, were told they were auditioning for a church training film. Orth says the winner, British-Iranian actress Nazanin Boniadi , was shocked when she found out the truth.

Breaking up doesn't have to be so very hard to do, as two celebs teach us this week. Johnny Depp , 49, who crushed our, er, Vanessa Paradis ' heart six weeks ago, made his first major public foray Monday, rocking out with Aerosmith at the band's Hollywood Bowl concert. "I need a little help up here. Johnny Depp, are you in the house," front man Steven Tyler shouted as the audience went into a mystical, whirling dervish-type frenzy. Sporting thick eyeliner, Depp hugged guitarist Joe Perry and took up a six-string as Tyler launched into "Train Kept A-Rollin'.

Newly divorced Tom Cruise is determined to minimize the impact that his split from Katie Holmes will have on their 6-year-old daughter, Suri, reports People magazine. "He's going to try, despite all the attention, to have things be as normal as possible," Anon Source tells the mag. Cruise, who has been filming in California, visited New York on Tuesday and did normal dad-daughter things, like climbing into a helicopter for a jaunt somewhere. "It's going to be challenging," Source says.

It should be clear by now that I know nothing about love or marriage. But about divorce, I'm an expert. Or so I thought. Ask me anything, I used to think. I could've written a book. In fact, I always thought I would or I had, like 20, but never mind, I've come to understand I don't know anything about love, marriage, or even divorce. The reasons? Tom and Katie. Let me begin at the beginning. I'm a Tom Cruise fan, and so is daughter Francesca.